That God Damn Rock

While making earrings, I asked, "am I just totally retarded when it comes to dating?" (Believe me, I ask myself these questions constantly - you're not the only one's scratching your head).

I feel like I'm spinning out of control. And I guess the key component that is fucking me up is, well, sex. It's time to take a dose of abstinence. It seems easy enough, something that just comes naturally for most, at least on the first date maybe up into the third, but for me...I move fast. Which is probably why things end fast.

Here's a little update on my dating life since Sunday (it's Tuesday by the way)

I was officially an utter asshole to my ex boyfriend (I'm sorry - I'm an asshole). I posted a great assholish blog about grey area, pretty much just narrowing in on the then current situation with a "certain love interest" returning and completely overlooking any future repercussions or potential outcomes. Good job Kyla.

I canceled (rain checked) a "casual" get together with a boy that I haven't seen since 6th grade who found me on facebook and wanted to catch up on Monday over beers.

I had a whirlwind of sex with a "certain love interest". Ending, again, before it began. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. And, don't confuse your male best friend who you've known for 2+ years and shared numerous life experiences with, who has been there for you through thick and thin, ups and down, for anything less than a man when it comes to having sex and trying to have a relationship with him.

I've got another future engagement penciled on my calendar to meet with another gentlemen who I met at the BSC Ducks game, when his out of town guests clear out in about at week. Don't get drunk and have sex, don't get drunk and have sex.

I'm sick. I am jobless. I have 2 leads. I've made 5 new pairs of earrings. I am about ready to give up on men and dating ALL TOGETHER but with encouragement will try it sans sex. I think it's time. It's not in my character to give up on life but this little juggling act that I've got going, sometimes seems to never end. I'm so tired of this shit. I thought I had a chance for "happiness" a real connection, a friend and lover and it all backfired and now I feel like all efforts are in vain and every path leads to an empty spring. Perhaps I was Sisyphus in a past life - or maybe eternally.