Break up - Break down

Numbness.

I was/am sure I made the right choice. I wanted it to work out but it didn't work for me. I knew when he told me he was going to Bingo that night. We had spent the night hashing things out. He mentioned, we need to not have so much drama all the time, we need to just be able to have fun sometimes and loosen up, it's too early in our relationship for this. I agreed. But then it was another succession of misunderstandings and head-butting situations until we turned out the lights. We even managed to find some of that in the dark. When I woke up, my heart had all but slipped away. I figured if I could just keep my heart in that room, in that relationship and just let time pass over us, it might slowly revive itself. He laid in the bed as I got up to leave for work. Before I slipped out, I told him I would be off at 7:30. His response was, "Okay, I'm going to Bingo tonight" and like a ---- over a candle, my flame was out. Where was the "us" in that? Where was the us? It was him living his life and putting me in it. Somewhere.

I walked down the stairs, turned the heater down because I knew he couldn't sleep with it so hot in there and left. Driving home and the whole morning, I just kept hearing, "rip the band aid, rip the band aid." I couldn't wait all day, I would have felt like I had betrayed him if I let him think all day it was going to work. I called him while I was sitting in my car before I went into work.

He called me at 3:00 in the morning. I have no idea what we talked about, but I know it was a whole conversation. I remember wanting so desperately to know what he was saying and to remember it but knowing that I was so asleep it wasn't going to happen.

Second day, second guessing.

Maybe if I just told him, I don't know what to do. Maybe if I told him, hey you know, I don't feel like we have anything in common outside of liking each other, we could have built something on that? I want to call him. But what would we say anyway - hi, I'm playing video games or watching a movie or I'm at space room and me saying, okay, I'm going to stay at home and sit on my bed or clean, or just be at home?

This hurts. It really does. I know it was right but this hurts.

I want to say something to him but I feel like it won't change anything, it will just stir the pot. It will just mess it up. But I also feel like if I don't say something maybe I'll regret missing the opportunity.

Work tomorrow

We talked twice tonight. The first conversation was for 2 minutes. We hadn't spoken all day before that. I had just got off work and he was still playing World of War craft. I think we mentioned that and our brief plans for the evening before we said goodbye and me asking him for the courtesy check in mid evening call, which arrived a few hours later. He called me during his smoke break before he was about to start a movie. I could tell because he mentioned it at the end of our conversation, that he had scheduled it in since I asked him to, and also the obvious inhalation during his "conversation".

It's not looking good.

Too much too soon? Probably. When it comes down to it, we are very different people. And I know that he could and would do everything I ever asked to make me happy. The problem with that is that a lot of it wouldn't include the things that he likes to do. I think we both know that.

It's been nice having someone to think about, someone to adore and learn new things about. Everyone finds him hilarious and extremely likable, I am still getting there. He doesn't like to do much outside of go to the bar and play video games, and who am I to judge? As long as I don't have to do it. Those things make him happy. And I'm starting to realize that as much as I'd love to try and be apart of that, that is exactly what would happen, I would only be trying.

It's hard having the break up conversation with myself before talking to him about it. I'm sure everyone does it. I need to be somewhat emotionally secure before I drag someone down this path, right? It's also just the end of a really long fucking holiday - that's still going, I might add. I am about to be jobless and I haven't done anything to prevent it, except hold on to blind optimism. I'm broke, $8.44 in the bank broke for 4 days. He's broke and bored cause he can't afford to socialize via space room. We've both spent WAY too much time together and with our families no less and well, I've ran out of excuses.

I'm sitting in my bed with my cat. I'm sad and scared of being, that thing again....single....alone. Although I suppose I always have been. No, not always. I'll miss his "Yes, dear." I'll miss getting kisses on the side of my neck. I really liked "fitting" inside of his embrace. I'm scared of not having a job and trying to find one. I'm scared of what my life is suppose to be like and is not. I'm just about through with 2010. What a way to close a chapter, ey? I'm not sure how it's going to go down. I feel like I have it in me to give it one more chance, maybe mix it up, try something, anything to not give up hope. Until then, I've got work tomorrow.

The bridge to "team land" is little "spacey"

I'm stuck. Really stuck. The kind of stuck that you think about and think about and think about and think that by thinking about it, it will go away and every time the same thing keeps happening and you keep having the same feelings about it you resolve to just keep thinking about it until those feelings go away kind of stuck.

I hate that he goes to the bar all the time.

That is how I am stuck. I know that all his friends are there, what's wrong with that? I don't go to the bar all the time. That's what. I have tried to be open minded about it, but that is just not me. I just don't like it. When you say you're broke but you can go to the bar and buy a couple of drinks every day, it makes me feel like, maybe....you're not broke. I don't see how it's cute to be drunk either. When I show up and he says, "I've had a couple to drink." I don't think that's cute. It might be, if it wasn't a standard occurrence. Like, 'wow, that's out of the blue'.

Hand in hand with that is the fact that when he likes to stay at the bar with his friends as oppose to go home with me. Granted it was a going away party, but I hate feeling like it's a drag going home with me as oppose to staying. What part of a team is that?

I'm trying to target my feelings about it so I can have a conversation with him about it but it really just is - why do you say you're broke but have money to buy drinks (several drinks) everyday. Why is it so important for you to stay to hang out with your friends when your girlfriend wants to go home? Especially if you're only staying for another hour? Really? And I just don't know if I want to be on a team where my partner is always at the bar. The bar implies that you need some sort of social lubricant to enjoy your life. Would it be different if it was a drink at home every night? Yes and no. It would be different because it means that you can be independent of a group and it wouldn't be different because why do you need to get tipsy every night (most nights)?

I talked to my sister yesterday and we talked about how her and her husband don't always have the same hobbies, or like to the do the same things but it's their life plan that they have in common that keeps them together. They wanted a family and children and that is important to them. That is their common goal that they can turn to when times are tough and say, this is what is most important to them. I'm not sure what my boyfriend and my goal would be. I don't know what his plan is other than be happy now - and be happy with his friends with me there now.

We are so great for each other in so many ways. He is adoring and attentive, he is a great listener and very nurturing. We have great communication for the most part. Those qualities are what I am most grateful for and couldn't ask for anything better when it comes down to it. It's just our lifestyles are so different it is a bridge that is a little unsafe for me to cross to get to "Team land". I keep thinking I have to compromise something or have a plan on what I want to ask for in order to bring it up, but I guess I just have to say it and let him decide what to do with that information.

"Happiness is a hard fucking road"

Being in a relationship is hard. I used to spend a lot of time wondering who he was going to be and now I spend my time thinking...how is this going to work? I guess that is what happens when you find someone you are genuinely interested in. I find myself OVER thinking (shocker). It's all that damn Oprah and Dr. Phil. Don't do this, do this, if he does this he means this.

Lately we haven't been able to have sex because of complications with me starting my birth control. Coincidentally, it also turns me into a terrible ball of raging, uncontrollable hormones. He is so forgiving, understanding and has not pressured me into doing anything. So naturally, I am in insecure. He is being nice and I take that as disinterest. When I finally get something that I could only dream about, I turn it into something that is wrong.

My mind wanders into an abyss of what ifs. It is my security blanket for relationships. It allows me to hide myself and drift into a world that I have no control over. I find I use it a lot when thinking about our sexual relations. I also use it a lot with his friends, girls mostly, that he talks about a lot and with emotional attachment. It's very dark in this abyss. It also makes my eyebrows furrow together and my mind comes to a point. I have been using it for the past 2 weeks. I started to think, "what happened to me?" Before my relationship I had every confidence for what I wanted to do with my life, my time, my ideas. But when it's time to share those, I lay down like a carpet and say, "please walk all over me." Terrible.

I am learning to let go of my security blanket and be in the present moment with my partner. Don't want to watch TV, then I won't watch TV. Want to cook dinner, then I'll cook dinner. He tells me a story about one of his girlfriends, I'll ask questions about her and their friendship - maybe even before I assign an emotion to it. When it comes to the bedroom, I won't assign thoughts to him. I won't judge myself, I'll just love myself for who I am and what I like.

I just read the most appropriate quote, "Happiness is a hard fucking road."

It truly is. The key is to remember that only I am in control of my happiness, not my partner. Part of my happiness is letting him contribute and teaching him how. I love how easy it sounds and I'll meditate on it for awhile. We'll see how it turns out.

Lessons in closeness.....

Learned :

1. If I am uncomfortable with a situation I sometimes....make it about me.... so I can get control of the situation. I don't have to do that. If I don't like how something is going, it's okay to say, "hey - I think I'm gonna just do me tonight." There's nothing wrong with that. It's okay to have space.

Stop worrying so much. I worried that if I left I was a bad girlfriend, I worried that he watched too much TV and that meant he was ALWAYS going to watch too much TV and that we weren't compatible. If I left, I would just be accepting that. I didn't want to. I had lots to do at my house and didn't want to leave him. As soon as I turned the tables, I realized how nice it would be to just do me. Take a night to clean the house, and pamper myself the way I am used to...if I wanted to. It doesn't change anything.

I enjoyed our closeness. It also makes me panic. I'm working on that. Balance. Breathe. Goosefraba.

2. When I get fussy.....STOP. It's time to take a time out. Evaluate what I want to do for myself. Don't make up things for me to do FOR HIM. Where did I get this notion that I was responsible for his happiness? I need to stop thinking. Good luck.

Tonight, the clothes will get put away. Josie will get brushed, Johnny will get a clean tank and I will watch Wolfman while doing my toes and plucking my eyebrows.

Dusting off the cobwebs

it's incredible all the false situations I create in my head while I'm alone. It suddenly occurred to me tonight that maybe my boyfriend likes me. Likes me like, likes me. Likes me the way I like him. When I think of him, I just get excited that he treats me so nice and he's so giving and I just see all the good bits. But it's still comical that I can be so insecure about what he thinks about me (which obviously are my own self inflicted insecurities). My boobs are too small (which I have NEVER thought about myself) I have too many sexual issues, we don't have enough sex (which is not true) what does that mean? He must feel awkward around me because I don't just jump on him when I see him. What if we don't have sex every time I see him? Is that bad? Is that not normal? Does that mean we're not attracted to each other. And then I STOP.

Whoa, whoa, whoa Kyla. You have great sex. He totally thinks your hot. He sends you endless text messages telling you how he can't stop thinking about you and lists all the things he like - no - loves about you. And not every relationship is the same. I mean...for f sake, the last relationship I have to draw from was over 5 years ago...I was 23. I'm 28. I am not going to have that relationship again. I forgot. It's really fun learning about him and learning about us. Whats nice about being 28, is I know what I need. I know I don't need my boyfriend to take care of me, I don't need my boyfriend to make everything better. I can let go of all the "what you're suppose to do" expectations and I get to just like my boyfriend because he's him. I am just happy knowing that he's here and we can spend time together and have fun together when we can and if we can't that doesn't change how I feel about him. <--- That is a new feeling for me.

Tonight I am really tired. I had one of the hardest days of work I've had since I can remember and I wanted to see him. But I knew I was too tired. He had plans and I wanted him to enjoy his evening. I really wanted to have him to cuddle up to at night and just get some loves and affection after such a hard day, I wanted to be selfish about it. When I was 23 - I would have demanded it. But at 28, I stayed at home and got some rest. Honestly, when he said, "I don't want you to think I don't want to see you" was all I needed. I already knew that, but hearing him say it was sweet. It's things like that, that have helped my insecure "crazy thoughts" evaporate. I mean, I'm human after all, and I've had my heart trampled a time or two, so I'm not perfect and I'm not going to never have these crazy insecurities ever again, but it's nice to know that those insecurities, rather than brick pavers, are more like cobwebs. It's time to dust off my ideas about relationships and just enjoy.

fight and/or flight

I am fighting this with all I've got. I'm fighting for it and against it. I'm just fighting. He is kind, he is nurturing, he is not perfect. And neither am I. And so am I. I am hurt and confused, I am comforted and happy. They all happen at the same time and it's hard to distinguish which to address first. I've had a lot of years to decide what I needed. I watched and listened to my friend's relationships coil and bloom. I watched tears stream down their cheeks. On those same cheeks, I've seen a hint of blush appear married to a smile over a text message. Why is it, that when I realized I had hurt his feelings, that is when I knew I liked him. We are such strange creatures. I liked him before the hurt feelings, but only when I knew I wanted to make them feel better, did I want to throw away all my armor and stop fighting. I wanted in.

He fed me his skillfully made (over buttered (to perfection)) sauteed mushrooms while I shopped for a toaster for my mom. I should have bought it, but decided to wait to payday. We waited for the pizza to finish cooking before we watched America's Next Top Model and drank some delicious Pinot. He went outside to smoke and I was insecure that he was talking to a girl. Where did that come from? My brain. My amazingly creative, over-thinking, error on the side of overreacting, contradictory stubborn brain. I jumped up to blog about it - but I stopped. Too soon. When he entered I asked him who he was talking to - his friend Jay, of course. I am lame. I am just not apart of that world....yet. I wasn't sure if I could be. Not because I wasn't invited, but because of my "standards". My standards of who I think I should be and who I certainly shouldn't be. Those are fighting words. It's hard to change, ya? So here I am.

We finished the night cuddled on the sofa and then said goodnight to the downstairs and retired to the bedroom. A perfect ending, almost. Until I decided that I just had to say it like it was. I had to express myself over something I had been thinking about and pretty much just force my thoughts and opinions all over him. I've had a lot of practice telling it like it is, from Kyla's perspective. (And yes I just referred to myself in third person). It all just balls up. There is a lot of getting to know someone in the beginning....I mean there is a lot to collect, sort, fold, iron, starch, air dry, gentle cycle, delicates. And who likes laundry? I'm sitting in a pile of it right now as I write, literally and metaphorically, of course. And he just took it. And I fell sleep. And he didn't.

I woke up blissful, having said my piece. And he...left. Well, he went to work. Ya, this whole Princess complex is gonna have to go. If I want him. And I do. I could tell something was wrong when he left. I texted him to see if he was alright. "I'm fine" was his response. If you are a human being, you know what that means : "I'm not fine". Next post on facebook from him - I need more sleep. I text...sorry you didn't sleep well, want me to bring some coffee on my way home. He replies "we have coffee here" aka "please don't talk to me".

I had to call in reinforcements. A pep talk from my older sister and another quick 45 minute conversation with my best, no bullshit friend and I was thoroughly versed in just how ridiculous I had been and if I had any hope of finding a life preserver I was going to have to humbly ask for one. Something something, I'm sorry. And just like that, I knew. I knew how much he meant to me. All of him. And that I was willing to get over myself a little bit (it's a slow process) to be almost as good as he is to me. He deserves it. And so do I.