Boyfriend

I couldn't stop talking about him the entire time. I referred to him as my boyfriend multiple times, including the time an ex texted me to see if we could meet up. The only person I hadn't told, was him. What was I waiting for? He had asked me to be his girlfriend, which I politely avoided answering and then had also asked for a status update which I also politely avoided. So what gives? Why couldn't I articulate these thoughts to him? It just isn't safe. Being a boyfriend is an action, more than a verb - and he is to me, as far as being nurturing and allowing me to feel safe when sharing my feelings and asking what he can do and thanking me for being open. But - and- so that is good. That is why I refer to him as my boyfriend (to other people). But to say it to his face means : I'm trusting you to be my partner and enjoy things with me....BUT WHAT HAPPENS....when you don't enjoy the same things? Like .......... being social. I love parties. I love to float around and talk to everyone and mix it up, I love to be the center of attention, can he handle that? How will he handle that? My biggest fear is that he would probably sit on the front porch and smoke. Or, I like to talk a lot and he's not the most chatty guy. But he is such a great listener. And I feel safe around him and I feel connected to him in a way that I haven't felt with anyone in such a long time.

I walked into his house after a 4 hour drive home and presented him with the snacks I had brought over to share. I had practiced so many times how I was going to tell him that he was my boyfriend, but they all seemed too soon or too far away. Slip it in a text message? Ask him as a Christmas present. All too contrived. I just walked right into his place and (without looking at him) I said, "ya, I brought these goodies over for my boyfriend." I think I may have stuttered when the words actually came out of my mouth. I think he was just as surprised as I was that I had said it because then he asked, "Does this mean I have a girlfriend?" And I guess I still don't know what that means but it's what I want. I want a committed relationship that I can grow in with him. I want us to be an us and learn about each other and spend time together, a lot of time. The 4 days I was away felt incredibly weird without him.

5 little words

Are we in a relationship? THAT is a big question. How can those 5 little words be such a big question? Oh, but they are.

93% is an A.

He's not a bad guy.

"You finally got over yourself" he said to me. My jaw dropped in a playful fake shocked face at his ridiculous comment. "And then I got over myself."

I smiled.

The night before, after a surprisingly enjoyable evening of Harry Potter and Hal's :

"You know, you're an asshole and I'm still pissed that you stood me up on Halloween."

"You want to talk about this right now?"

"Yes."

"Alright, I was nnnnnnniiiiii.....nnnnnnn...tttttttyyyyy....ttthhrreee percent in the wrong. I will own that."

"93% huh? Well I will own the other 7%." I smiled like a kid getting candy.

He leaned down to kiss me and I moved back insinuating that he wasn't quite finished, I started, "I'm.....?"

"I'm.....sorry for treating you that way."

I was awe struck. Having him apologize was the equivalent of saying, well actually it was more like, showing me that he cared about how I was treated. He also gave himself 93%, when he could have said, 50 or he could have said 85. But he didn't. The most appropriate word for what I felt was nurtured. It had been sooooo long since I had last felt nurtured. What a great feeling. I felt like all my blood cells exhaled. I was being loved.

Bad boys

I'm so mad at myself today because of the way I let him treat me! BLEH. Seriously Kyla. I mean I know that half the time you were "playing along" because you didn't want to let him bother you or hurt your feelings so you were playing it cool. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAY AT ALL. Because it does hurt and you don't need someone to talk to you like that. And stop thinking about their feelings/well-being when it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Call him a cab, don't invite him to stay.

What is going on with men in the world? Am I finding men that don't have plans because I don't have a plan? What's my plan? Find someone I can enjoy, trust, respect, admire. Assert myself. Share my feelings, grow as a person. Commit. Marry and carry on. But before that, I'd settle for someone who had plans for the evening!

He kept saying, "I know you've been dating a lot. I have friends in this town who saw you out. But that's good, that's what you have to do. I just don't know how you date all the time. All those guys from eharmony! (I explained the only one from that website was him) How do you meet these people! I just don't get it, I don't date. I just like someone and then go from there. Obviously you know who you like, or obviously you don't."

Part of me gets a high off these emotions outbursts, 'he's sharing. This is raw. This is real emotion and thought. The closest to intimacy that I get to see.' But then it contorts quickly into my own emotional trap. 'Did he just say those things to me?' I wanted to know how a person "just likes someone and then goes from there." Isn't that what I'm trying to do? I knew that I was giving myself a free "try on" with him, just to help me learn : a) do not date guys whose actual voice inflections sounds like he's whining. b) don't date guys who tell you what is and isn't going to happen after you assert yourself.

Come on Kyla, what are you? Lazy? Like you didn't know these things already. But the power of being near a serial monogamous was intoxicating. As if just being in his presence I could figure out what that would be like. A tiny door opening. Not one I could ever fit through but just enough for me to crouch down and get a glimpse of how it works.

From what I could gather from this specimen, it means, as soon as you meet someone, you suddenly feel like you can invite yourself over, not have plans or consider the other person's time, take them out to run an errand that you have planned for yourself, then drive aimlessly until they come up with a place to go, invite yourself to stay over regardless of what the other person's plans are (and drinking enough to ensure you're incapacitated to drive) and then attempt to treat the other person like their body is yours, regardless of what the other person has to say, and then when told to leave, tell that person they'll have to call the cops if you want them to leave. Seriously.

His hair looked ridiculous. So what if he'll be in Men's Journal - he looked like a moron and sounded like he had cotton balls shoved up his nostrils. He'll call me soon and be completely mystified why I would be upset or why I wouldn't want to hang out.

Unfortunately, I know I am not the only person who has had to deal with such intolerant behavior, I can only hope that this helps me to make better choices earlier on and validate other people who have felt as frustrated and naive (stupid) as I have.

Next time, I'm calling the cops.

Change is...

A theme is emerging....."You didn't give me a chance."

So I move a little fast. My advice on my horoscope birthday page says, even a rabbit can twist an ankle. I think about that and well, here it is popping up in my day to day. Today is my first nephew's 9th birthday. I let my sister reminisce about his first year over the phone. I was with Mr. G back then. He was refered to as Uncle "G" and he was great. He was there for the first ultra sound when we found out Tyson was going to be a boy and there at the first birthday party. Katie said, "so much has changed since then" and all I could think about was "ya, that was when I had a solid relationship - 9 years ago." Katie, my older sister was married and having a baby, I was in college with Mr. G and Kara was fresh out of a relationship, she was single. I was in love with my boyfriend. I wanted to be his wife.

I don't know if you would call it superstition, but Kara and I had this running joke that if one of us was in a relationship, the other person had to be single....it had been like that for a the last few relationships. Well surely enough as soon as I was out of my relationship she was in one, when hers fizzled, I found a new man, when we broke up, Kara got married, I knew I was screwed. I've been single ever since. Does this have anything to do with me not giving men a chance? Probably not.

Looking back at how much life has changed since my nephew was born is very eye opening. I want more than anything to be back in that time, where I have a partner, someone to go to family events with and build memories to look back on in time. If that's ever going to happen I'm going to have to start giving these men a chance. If I'm good at anything it's taking constructive criticism. So lets see....instead of focusing on just what I enjoy about a boy and creating a secret tally of things that "will just never work" until I reach the point of irreconcilable differences (in my mind), perhaps I could say, "hey you know, I'm bored right now, what can we do that's fun?" or "I'm uncomfortable" or "What do you want out of this relationship?" or "I would really like it if you called instead of texted" or "I want you to come to my house instead of me having to drive because you don't have a car". As easy as these things seem to say, my mind just adds them to my tally of "impossible relationship" traits.

Self analysis is so much more sticky than writing about an experience and letting it stand for what it is, but for the sake of finishing up these thoughts, I will say, I suppose I don't say what's in my "impossible tally" because I don't believe that even if I do say those things that person will change them or care to. I don't believe they should have to change. I just chalk it up to 'not being the right one'. Of course I give them, oh about a week, for me to ultimately decide if someone is not the right person....too soon?

I also think that all of this mumbling about how to have a relationship is just something I do to soothe myself until the right one does come along. And then all of this thought will vanish because I'll know him completely when we meet and he will know me. When you know you know. Right? Until then, I will practice saying my tally thoughts out loud. Who knows if they will change or they won't, I guess I'll never know unless I try. Change is good.

New Rules

New rules :

1. no text messages. If you are dating me, then I will only accept phone calls to talk, or make plans.

2. Friends first. (I'm listening to you and you're right) I want a buddy, someone interesting that I can hang out with and feel very comfortable and pal around with AND have chemistry with. I want that feeling of suspense and excitement.

seek first to understand...

This terrible tragic experience happened and then it was rectified. A magical moment of understanding and change occurred. Or so I thought. But of course when explaining it, I had to get through the swamp of hell portion to explain the glorious silver lining. The problem with that scenario is when telling the swamp of hell part to your family members you can't finish your sentences because they now have to explain their thoughts and emotions about the situation, aka explaining what my swamp of hell looks like to them, and then I'm stuck in the swamp of hell for another fucking eternity. Now I have to calm them down and I'm crying and they're "just saying" and I haven't even gotten to the good part. But now my good part has become quick sand and is quickly slipping back into my swamp of hell. What was the good part? Oh ya. It doesn't matter. It never did. My good part couldn't possibly rectify the swamp of Hell I had to go through let alone the one I just drug my family through. Before I can even get to my point of resolution and reward I am reminded that I have no idea what I'm doing and that I keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again. A few bits of "you are amazing and worth more" are sprinkled in to sweeten the shards of glass I am swallowing referring to the facts of defeat I have just admitted to my ever eager panel of listeners. Thanks. I thought I almost did something relationship worthy. Nope, still broken.

They only want one thing

Last night when I came home to wash his smell off of me, I cried because I was so tired of being objectified. I recalled the times in my life when I was told to show people my body, whether it was trying on my first string bikini, or getting my first bras and then told to show people I wasn't comfortable showing, "just show them, it's not a big deal" was my encouragement. Awkward for any 13 year old. And my early experiences learning about relationships through my father was waiting outside bedroom doors for him and his various girlfriends to finish having their alone time. The attention he would give them compared to the attention I would get was intensely different, although sometimes he would still be in boyfriend mode and say things like 'oh baby' to me as a reaction to something I said or did or sometimes I would get a whistle that he would give his girlfriend and I would feel very confused and often angry. I cried in the shower because I realized I learned at a young age to do as I was told and to not talk about feelings of being uncomfortable. Just get through it. Just get past it and then go to a safe place where it will all be over with. I've just gotten so used to sheltering my feelings that I lost the words to go with them. They have become strangely disconnected, they are now on delay. They are about 2 days off. Sometimes they don't come at all, and then you'll just never hear from me again. Those words get shoved somewhere deep inside, I think somewhere behind my eyes. I'm pretty sure if you look close enough you can sometimes see them.

I cried for my voice to come back. I cried to be heard - to hear myself. I cried because I was broken. It was 2 am and I had already washed my hair once that day. I make this terribly embarrassing cry face and I couldn't look at it in the foggy mirror because it was so pathetic. I needed to keep crying. I needed my feelings to resonate through the walls of my house out into the world, the whole world, or just until I could believe them. I brushed my teeth and crawled into bed.

They only want one thing, that's what my mother tells me.