The One

The very notion of calling this blog 'The One' is enough to send my head reeling. I haven't been able to write because of over thinking my own fucking thoughts. That is how I approach this "idea" of dating. It's so unnecessarily overwhelming that I'd rather stick my head in the sand. However, here I am.

I can't write about 'The One' because there is no ONE. This should be called the 'who am I' blog or the 'how do I get through this next year alone' blog.

So, I had a breakdown today at Laughing Planet. Appropriate I thought. My friend Sarah was discussing her relationship and true to form I was actively listening and being supportive. Until i realized, I cannot be supportive today. I don't want to be supportive. I could not be supportive of ANYONE ELSE'S RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I NEEDED SOME FUCKING ATTENTION. Just because I didn't have someone to talk about didn't mean I didn't need some "what about me time". It was the strangest feeling really, we had just connected over her feelings about acceptance when I had this terrible sinking in my gut and my mind yelled "You need to leave now or my head is going to explode." Tears welled in my eye ducts and my throat filled with sand. I tried to change the subject but the only words that escaped were, "I'm going to have a breakdown right here." Followed by, "I feel like I should just drive home, right now." At laughing planet, mid chip and salsa. Sarah, being the most sympathetic friend told me she didn't want me to leave and let me pour my heart out all over my mild verde and my medium salsa.

"I want to be selfish, I want someone to think about me. I want someone to wonder how I'm doing and if my needs are being met. I can't think about anyone else's someone, who is already spending all their time thinking about the other person." Sarah calmly asked, "Okay, what do you need me to give you?" "Just let me be selfish I guess. Let me talk about myself and just be crazy with someone else for a second" I shrugged. The tears just wouldn't let up. My voice barely cracked, it was my heart taking over saying, 'here I am and I won't let you silence me any longer' while my mind pushed every button in it's control booth saying, 'you don't need anyone's help to feel okay about you, you are just fine taking care of yourself.' Like any good meltdown, I just chalked it up to hormones.

After a few moments of blind egocentricity, I had came back down to earth and still sitting in the booth at laughing planet. God bless Sarah and her stoicism. We laughed and ventured back to her house to make earrings as planned for this Sunday afternoon.

I talked about my breakdown with my step sister and her boyfriend (of 7 months) as we had dinner at my house. Family is great that way, in that, nothing you say can be taken personally, we're related and "real people's" emotions and experience are completely outside the realm of family emotions and experiences. They let me share my thoughts and shared theirs as a couple. Ultimately what I discovered was that, the truth is, being single is fine. I enjoy it.

It's the isolation from my friends that sucks the most. It's the having to relinquish the sisterhood gossip, the not being able to "relate" to my friend's experiences, even sometimes my family's because I don't have a partner. It's THAT isolation that makes being single the hardest. It's so important for me to relate and this is something I can't because I am not .....

there.

I've been asking my friends lately what their favorite thing was/is about being single. These are the things I need to remind myself while I'm living it, and in so doing, I have discovered an outlet, an area on which to relate and converse and also the source of my singleness struggle. So when I call this blog, when I write towards finding "The One" it seems so empty, because I am so fulfilled as me, I am The One. My search, my experiences this year are truly about finding me and being okay with being "The One" in my world filled with Twos.

Get a clue

It's too overwhelming to talk about really.

I was told (texted) by the over-talking, double pump boy that he would rather stay in and play clue with his family than go bowling with me as scheduled for our second date last Saturday night.

Followed by a text saying, "I hope I didn't let you down."

Well if you had to write the text, I'm pretty sure you answered your own question.

Why am I still wanting to go on a second date with this guy? To prove that he is a let down? To see if he is of human descent? He has suggested we go out this Thursday, although "he may be too busy because he might have a job that night." STOP with the over share, run around!! As much as I want to give into the process of this "eharmony experience" this is one game I'm not going to play.

Was it Bachelor #1 in Savoy with the double pump, or was it Bachelor #1 via text message with the lame excuses....either way, that boy needs to get a clue.

Projecting

I watched 'The Burbs' last night. It used to be our favorite movie, 9 years ago when I was in my most secure and loving relationship. I thought he was going to the be "the one" and sometimes I let myself slip back there into the past. I wonder what he's doing and what would have happened if I didn't cut it off at the quick in a moment of utter panic. After 2 year together, he didn't want to marry me yet and so I thought that meant never. Oh, ignorant youth.

I remember how great if felt to have an "our" favorite anything. It was comfortable. It was calming. We loved watching that silly movie, snuggled in bed. Immediately my mind wanders to the excitement I felt after we had been seeing each other for 4 months and that thrilling discovery that it had been such a long time together, and yet feeling like no time at all. Nothing he did effected me, he was simply himself and I loved everything about him. When I'm laying in my bed alone having these thoughts, I try to project that feeling outward. I imagine I am sharing that love with someone right now, my "boyfriend" who exists in my parallel universe. You know, the one that doesn't really exist yet.

I have, in this long journey of singleness, since become appreciative of my time and space. I enjoy my "alone" time. I rarely get lonely, I just call my sister who makes me laugh about anything and everything (you've got to have that in your life). I have just started reading a great book called, How to be an Adult in Relationship. It was handed over with a slew of other relationship books from my "little mom" (step mom). It's been on the shelf for about 8 months but the cover is soft tones of gold and aubergine, nothing loud or intimidating, so I managed to pull it out and skim through it which turned into starting at the beginning. Lessons for the day, 'We are fulfilled when we live out our personal capacity for loving.'

When I think of everything that I had with him, I am remembering my life within that full capacity. A deep security, no faults, love you past your problems kind of full capacity. BUT, and I'm not a big fan of that word....I have to now realize that rather than projecting all of those feelings on a faceless placebo illusion of a relationship, I can just give it all to myself because that is real and that is the relationship I am in.

As Oscar Wilde wrote, "To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance."

Here. here.

my "first time"

Eharmony date number 1.

Wow. I feel like I shouldn't really be blogging yet, I've only just gotten home but what a flurry of information I've collected on this Thursday Evening. Turns out, bachelor #1 has done this eharmony date a time or two and I was, as he coined it, an "ehamony virgin". It had been awhile since I'd been considered anything close to that so I took it. But here is what I'll say overall about my "first time" :

We all create our own realities. In my mind this person was very laid back. He was funny and casual. In person he was wiry, he was anxious, he was perhaps nervous. He was very interested, and told me so, by saying he was ready to spend everyday of the rest of his life with me. I mean, that's what eharmony is focused on, forever, however I happen to think there is a method to this madness. (Obviously I'm a methodical person).

Men, if you're listening, don't say things like, "This is the last time I'm going to see you, isn't it?" Don't drink more than 2 alcoholic beverages. And certainly don't pump a girls boobs into your chest when you are hugging her good night, one pump is terrible and 2 is almost unforgivable - ESPECIALLY if you have just insinuated that you suspect you will not be getting another chance to "date" her.

Do, continue to compliment your date on things they wrote in their profile or things you have in common. Do ASK QUESTIONS when you are nervous, rather than prattling on and on and on and then telling your date, "I talk too much, maybe you should talk a little bit." It's called, engage. Which is a term for connecting I'm sure. And when you feel comfortable enough to tell your date that you call your mother and cry about not having a girlfriend, realize that your date has done that a MILLION times to her mother too, but the first date is TOO SOON to tell her that as a man you do that too. Am I wrong?

As I am writing this, I realize all of his faux paus could have easily been an experience that I would or will have in the future. He took one for the team. This is so hard to write about because everything is the blanket. His awkwardness was my awkwardness, his over-talkativeness is also mine. My quiet reserved observations were his. His dead dog "Lucky" however, was just his dog that got hit by a car, not mine. We have such similar backgrounds, and I did feel very comfortable around him, although I'm not sure if that was my second cocktail talking. Either way, a second date will be in our future. I'm giving it at least 3 dates. If my step mom can get past (and talk openly about) my dad's over blinking "syndrome" I am excited to see what could happen between me and my overtalking, double boob pump, boy.

Can I "Find" Love

Can I "find" love? It seems like everyone has an opinion on how to do it. "Stop looking" "do more of this" "do less of that" "stop doing that" "open up" "don't be so open". These are all part of the rules of dating. I have to say I feel like I've tried them all and yet here I am. 28. Single. I've been single for almost 6 years. I have dated probably a magillion guys within the last 6 years and have come out curled up in bed alone on a Saturday night eating brie and bacon on crackers watching Jersey Shore followed by ANTM on line with my cat happily and routinely sleeping at my feet.

I don't know what it is about being 28 but I feel like I'm ready. I'm really ready to find "the one". How do I know I'm really ready? Like any American knows, money talks. I've spent money to do it - well not "do it" but to find love. I am now on eharmony. I'm going to say that part of being successful in love is screening heavily, or being more "choosey." I need all the help I can get with that because my picker is obviously broken. This blog could have started 6 years ago with the plethora of bad dating experiences I've had, but it would have been called "emotionally damaged, self loathing, no compromise, I hate men" Hardly a focus for love. Last year I was in a 3 month relationship (albeit long distance) where marriage was discussed and ring shopping ensued....and then we broke up. I think that was a teaser for me, testing me to see what is it exactly that I want.

This I know for sure : I want love. I want someone to love and have them love me back. I want a best friend and partner and someone who makes me laugh all the time...even when I hate them. Someone I can respect and someone that inspires me to be a better me by simply loving me the way I am. After reading a few books on dating and watching 3 seasons of Tough Love by Steve Ward it seems like finding love is possible. A little bit of humility and mental health and bada-boom bada-bing man and wife. I've been babystepping my way to the pool and the water is finally starting to look warm.

I've always thought when I was 28 I would be ready to get married. Well here it is. Lets see if I can find love.

Choices

we don't all make the right choices. I know that I don't. I think selfishly, I think of only this moment and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Last night I slept with one of my best friends. He has a girlfriend who is living in another country right now. This would be one of those bad choices I was talking about.

So morally this is a bad deal. I should know better. Everyone knows you don't sleep with someone who is in a relationship. Yet, it happens. Apparently it happens to me. And how many others? I wish I could say this is the first time for me. But it's not. Is that a character flaw? I feel like this should be talked about. What are the boundaries for single people? Is this why coupled people dislike single people so much. The truth is, their partners who are committing infidelity are the ones they should be doing the disliking to. Is it a weak relationship? Weak people? What is this part of life that causes so much heartache, strife?

The justifications I've been rolling around in my mouth like a jawbreaker : I'm single. It's not my relationship. And yet there is a moral highroad that I know I should be taking. But really is it my responsibility to protect the feelings of another woman for whom I don't know? It was just sex. I feel bad. Or maybe I feel bad about not feeling bad. Can sex just be a physical act? Is that how it works? I know I want a monogamous relationship. There are no doubts I can have one. Would I be absolutely devastated if my partner cheated on me? Yes. I don't think it would be the sex that would kill me, it would simply be the lie. So maybe that is why you don't sleep with someone in a relationship, I am part of a lie. Circle back, "part of" a lie, but am I lying? It really is just a bad deal to be apart of anything that will make anyone feel bad.

I just want it to be right. I want someone to fuck everyday. I want someone to kiss me every hour. I want all those things but I don't have them. And when the opportunity presents itself (along with an undisclosed amount of alcohol) and I'm tired of having to be strong for myself it feels good to be a little selfish.

Billy Crystal sex

Could it be just sex? Do I keep putting myself out there on eharmony after having sex with one of my best friends?

I feel like Billy Crystal after having sex with Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. Except he wasn't Meg Ryan he was also Billy Crystal. We are the same person.

I loved that during sex it was totally "him". But it was "him" "having sex". We all have our routines, our sexual rituals. The phrases we say, the noises we make, the level of control we warrant. Words like, "baby" and "you like that" being thrown around, the textbook sexual jargon, I felt like we've been more intimate eating pizza together, but it was still fun.

"You can't be just friends with the opposite sex."

This year is dedicated to finding you, my husband.