Today

Happy to be single and happy to be me.

Blinding

Seems like I've been held, in some dreaming state

a tourist in the waking world, never quite awake

a kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber

until I realize it was you who held me under

felt it in my fists, in my feet, in the hollow of my eyelids

shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could see the thunder and hear the lightening crack

All around the world was waking, I never could go back

Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open

And finally it seemed like the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

Silence slipping through the hidden door

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

No more dreaming of the dead as if death was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

Silence slipping through the hidden door

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

Silence slipping through the hidden door.

- Florence and the Machine

F. U.

B++

The fucker told me, how did he say it...I just spent the last hour trying to erase it from my memory..."there were all these super hotties and then there was us normal/average looking people." Record scratch. Wha?

Why did I not get up and leave?

Sure, I reacted. I looked away. I showed disappointment. I commented. He tried to save himself with, "I would give you a B++ body. And I'm a C- -"

That was his "save". That was with my "you need to say something really really nice because you hurt my feelings with the B++ comment."

AND I STAYED.

I finished my drink. I finished my sandwich. I finished my conversation. I let him walk me back to my car and when he went to kiss me, I kissed him with everything I had hoping that this black lung illness I was carrying would transfer over making him bedridden for days! That fucker.

AH! I'm still pissed I stayed. In another universe, GALAXY - I get up and leave IMMEDIATELY. No explanation. nothing. Just get up and walk out. B++

Fucker.

Day 15 and 16

Day 15 : Grateful to be sick and not have anyone to be annoyed with my sickness - besides me, geez will this cough ever go away?

Day 16 : Grateful for a WHOLE DAY to myself, stayed in bed, went and got my hair did, didn't have to ask anyone (but my sisters and mom) what they thought, came home, back to bed. Ate a crap load of garlic and didn't worry about my breath. The skies the limit when you're single, I'm telling ya :)

Just saying

I had love once. A mutual love that was shared. I had it in my life. I was loved and adored and nurtured. And I am grateful for knowing what that feels like.

I have decided it's time to stop all of this crazy bullshit. It's time to stop looking for "lover boys" and stop selling myself short. Stop searching. Stop acting out of boredom.

I'm actually really happy right now. Maybe it's because I hit rock bottom...maybe it's the practice of being grateful. Either way I'm okay just being me, cause I'm pretty amazing. Just saying.

Day 13 and 14

Day 13 : Grateful to chose whether or not I will think about any stupid boy, and to not have to get home and not know where my car is or when my boyfriend is going to be returning it so I can use it.

Day 14 : Grateful to take the longest bath ever (refilling the tub twice) and not having to explain myself to anyone.

That God Damn Rock

While making earrings, I asked, "am I just totally retarded when it comes to dating?" (Believe me, I ask myself these questions constantly - you're not the only one's scratching your head).

I feel like I'm spinning out of control. And I guess the key component that is fucking me up is, well, sex. It's time to take a dose of abstinence. It seems easy enough, something that just comes naturally for most, at least on the first date maybe up into the third, but for me...I move fast. Which is probably why things end fast.

Here's a little update on my dating life since Sunday (it's Tuesday by the way)

I was officially an utter asshole to my ex boyfriend (I'm sorry - I'm an asshole). I posted a great assholish blog about grey area, pretty much just narrowing in on the then current situation with a "certain love interest" returning and completely overlooking any future repercussions or potential outcomes. Good job Kyla.

I canceled (rain checked) a "casual" get together with a boy that I haven't seen since 6th grade who found me on facebook and wanted to catch up on Monday over beers.

I had a whirlwind of sex with a "certain love interest". Ending, again, before it began. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. And, don't confuse your male best friend who you've known for 2+ years and shared numerous life experiences with, who has been there for you through thick and thin, ups and down, for anything less than a man when it comes to having sex and trying to have a relationship with him.

I've got another future engagement penciled on my calendar to meet with another gentlemen who I met at the BSC Ducks game, when his out of town guests clear out in about at week. Don't get drunk and have sex, don't get drunk and have sex.

I'm sick. I am jobless. I have 2 leads. I've made 5 new pairs of earrings. I am about ready to give up on men and dating ALL TOGETHER but with encouragement will try it sans sex. I think it's time. It's not in my character to give up on life but this little juggling act that I've got going, sometimes seems to never end. I'm so tired of this shit. I thought I had a chance for "happiness" a real connection, a friend and lover and it all backfired and now I feel like all efforts are in vain and every path leads to an empty spring. Perhaps I was Sisyphus in a past life - or maybe eternally.

so highschool

I pulled up to "my" parking spot under my house and a car was parked in the road right next to it. A pair of fringed moccasin boots were swaying back and forth being held up by the arms of the boy whose legs they were wrapped around. Grrreeaaat. Perfect. I slowed down and stopped just as the girls head peeked around the boys shoulders. Then the boy's head turned. I pointed to the spot next to their car. He turned around for a second, still holding this girl's legs, then turned back to me and shrugged, insinuating that there were other places for me to park. So I politely, (with raised eyebrows) pointed to the spot and then pointed up at my house as I mouthed, "I live here." Finishing the sentence in my mind with, "so fucking move asshole."

Ahhh.

As he dropped her legs and she dismounted off the car, I started to think about the days when I would sneak away with a boy so we could stare at each other, with my legs coyly wrapped around him, smiling and teasing. What happened to that kind of intimacy, then called "flirting". You couldn't just have sex, so you had to have sex with your minds and in your eyes and hair and fingers and knees and the sides of your toes. Sex was everywhere outside of your clothes. It was on the back of someone's car wearing his hoodie, your best jeans and a pair of moccasin boots. Sex was a cluster of fear in the back of your brain but power in the corners of your lips.

You also had to do it wherever you could find a place to do it, so you no matter how bad it was, it was good if you could get it. I suppose when it becomes more convenient to have sex, you can afford to be a bit pickier about the actual act as opposed to what is leading up to it.

When their car pulled away and I rolled into my spot, I was a little bummed to not have that in my life, yet. I grabbed my dry cleaning and other things to schlep up the crumpled steps to my single person house. When I reached the top, I looked over the city and smiled. The sun was shining.

Day 11 & 12

Day 11 : Grateful to be available to other single men :)

Day 12 : Grateful to come home and know exactly how my house will look and who will be in it...just Josie waiting to be fed :)

Back to black

I created a grey space. The only grey space I like to have in my life is the clouds over my head in Portland, Oregon. Certainly not anywhere near my personal life. But this time I thought, what the heck, people do it. I had a partner in crime sitting with me and a half bottle of wine down the pipe when I made the call. He asked if it was a booty call and I wondered why it even needed to be clarified. I think he was just trying to make me squirm. It worked. I dodged every question except for when he should come over. An hour and a half later....

I was clear with my decision when I ended our relationship. Clear with my decision to still be friends...not so clear when his text messages were lined with unresolved emotions. Then quickly muddied by a booty call. Hello grey area!

I was actually enjoying a bit of the sloppiness of it all. Perhaps because it wasn't my mind in the grey, simply my actions. Those could simply be remedied by ending them, and hopefully on a friendly note. Was I kidding myself? It could be one of my favorite things to do based on my track record. And, I suppose it didn't help that the promise of a return of someone special was on the horizon. I was clear with my intent on that, maybe just to myself, but I knew. My ex was clear on my intent with that, though his clarity came from this blog, and not my lips. So I floundered a little, splashing the grey around when (not) answering his retorts about being a place holder until "he" came around. Eventually grey turns back into black or white when more information is entered....it was only a matter of time.

A day later, a bucket of clarity was poured into the mix. "He" came back. A month early mind you, but there he was, on my voice mail and on his way over. I thought I would have more time to friendly unwind the entanglings my ex and I were in. So much for timing. I will say, he was right. But of course, in any situation where you "should" answer honestly, you don't for courtesy sake. It's right up there with, you "shouldn't" break up over the phone, or you "shouldn't" tell someone if they have food in their teeth - but I DO THOSE THINGS... If I was doing what I "should" have been doing from the beginning, it wouldn't start with me drinking that second glass, or picking up the phone. So I meekly followed proto-call, and denied his inquisitions, out of courtesy.

It's been a few days and a blog post since my ex and I had any contact. By now, I know, I know he knows, just as he predicted. I thought of calling. I thought of texting. I thought of what I would say, with nothing in mind I knew every word would be catalogued as ridiculous. And every word would be. "It's time to fold em...I had a great time. Of course, I like you and have no hard feelings. It was what it was and I hope we can just be cool." How does that sound to someone who has said the words, "I love you" to you. Probably not good. Nothing will sound good. Would it be best to just say nothing at all? Can life just keep going? Is it better to have a moment? That is the grey area. The area where feelings go to marinate in aloneness and solidarity. Nothing can be done about them. They just exist. And for who knows why or for how long. And it is what it is. I just want him to know I wish him well and am grateful for sharing the time we did. Damnit...I've got a phone call to make.

Day 10

Day 10 : Grateful to jump in my car and drive.

Day 9

Day 9 : McDonald's for dinner then invited over 2 friends (who didn't know each other) who showed up and we all hung out and had a great time. Grateful for unexpected/planned evenings.

Rubic's cube

He's back.

I was so glad to see him. When I think about it, I over do it. I get nervous, I get defensive, I lose that lovable 'joie de vivre' I carry in my back pocket. It all comes out rehearsed. But I can't help it. I don't want to ruin a friendship. If we go down that road and hate each other in the end - I don't know if I could handle that. And maybe that is what is preventing me from opening up all along....the handling of rejection. I wear a giant armor around me when my feelings start to race to the surface and I try with all my might to cauterize those feelings before I am exposed. I kept thinking, he's so attractive and I like him. But as soon as I realized, I was putting that out there....I pulled back because, that's not the snarky abrasive fun Kyla. That's the sensitive Kyla. The one who has the tolerance of a premie baby. I feel like a shift in balance happens and he'll see that I would like someone who wants to share the weight of life with me. The weight I carry, but only seem to notice when I'm around someone who I think has their shit together.

Maybe that's just what I do with my sisters. We share the weight. And that is normal intimacy for me. I know it's overwhelming, but I know I can handle it and I will, if it will lighten the load for my sister, or my mother, or my father. But I can't ask for someone to do it for me...so I wall up and shut down and maybe, just maybe I get a little ahead of myself. Okay, so I really do get ahead of myself.

Which is why I decided tonight, we would just share our adventures from the previous months. We wouldn't dive into anything head first. The next 2 nights are already scheduled together with friends/family. We'll have lots of time to check in.

When he left we embraced and I wanted us to be natural. I wanted that moment where we both knew. But we both don't. I don't. So - we'll wait. Let life unveil itself.

**I wait for someone to validate my insecurities - but I need to change my brain - I am wonderful and strong. I'm not a mess. I'm not a wreck. I'm not broken. I'm strong and great and doing the best I can. That is who I am.

Day 7 & 8

Day 7 : Grateful to not be wondering - after 5 years - if he's ever going to ask me to marry him.

Day 8 : Grateful to not be worrying about anyone but myself. (Right now with work - that's plenty!)

Day 6

Day 6 : Grateful to eat whatever I want for dinner (in bed of course) - homemade enchiladas with a side of celery (oh yes) and maybe a bit of molten chocolate cake and a beer for dessert.

Day 5

Day 5 : didn't fully have an ah-ha moment. Could have something to do with the fact I was shacked up all day with my ex....so I'll say, grateful to have my own home to come back to...to process what just happened....

30 days celebrating singleness

Life is all about perspective. Lately, I've had a few people (married people) remind me how exciting it is to be single. They love to read my blog to live vicariously through me. It excites them how unpredictable and unexpected (and how quickly) things happen. Also, my friend's boyfriend just left town for the weekend and the house was all his, and I remembered that fresh feeling of doing whatever you want. And so, to not take for granted such an opportune time in my life, getting the chance to "be free" no compromises, no checking in, no explanations to give or having to share....I've decided to take the next 30 days to celebrate my singleness and mostly to just remember how grateful I am for these moments....it won't always be like this.

Day 1 : Grateful for fire in the fireplace, and turning the music as loud as I want to have a dance party with my cat.

Day 2 : Grateful to come home late from a friends house and sit on the balcony, marveling at the view of the city

Day 3 : Grateful that after eating the fantastic dinner my friend made (with Broccoli) I could fart all night without having anyone to judge me (until I post this, of course)

Day 4 : Grateful I didn't have to ask if I had enough money to take my cat to the vet.

Tomorrow will be day 5 and already I'm getting a little bit more zest out everyday. I like this.

fortuitous day

I had the strangest epiphany today. I felt like he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I have to mention that I've had similar experiences before (with, clearly, the wrong men) but not to the extent of certainty. I suppose previously they have been extremely fleeting moments of infatuation and role playing....He's going to be my "husband"...or...that is the man I'm going to "marry". My experience today was different. It was a certainty that I wanted all my adventures to be with this one person. The ups and downs and ins and outs, he's the one I want to do them with. The one thing this person has going for him that the others didn't was time. I've spent a lot of time with this person. Most of it - as friends.

I kept wondering when the feeling was going to wear off. And part of me still thinks it will. I mean, this person can and sometimes does annoy the shit out of me. But I still would want him to spend this life with me, exploring it.

Here is where my logical brain interrupts.

1. He's not here right now - maybe I'm sensationalizing him and/or our experience together.

2. We're not actually in a relationship - or ever have been for that matter.

2. What if you do all those crazy relationship things you do and ruin it?

3. What crazy relationship things?

a. clingy

b. emotionally insecure

c. jealous

But then I think - whatever, it's HIM. We'd probably laugh about it - later anyway. And I've spent so much time with him, hating him as much as adoring him, that we already know our "less attractive" sides.

Second "but" - who knows if when he gets back we'll be the same people, want the same things? I don't. Which is why I just allowed myself to enjoy that feeling while I had it. The person I know in my heart is great. I wonder if I'll ever know with 100% certainty who will be "the one". Does anyone ever really do?