Break up - Break down

Numbness.

I was/am sure I made the right choice. I wanted it to work out but it didn't work for me. I knew when he told me he was going to Bingo that night. We had spent the night hashing things out. He mentioned, we need to not have so much drama all the time, we need to just be able to have fun sometimes and loosen up, it's too early in our relationship for this. I agreed. But then it was another succession of misunderstandings and head-butting situations until we turned out the lights. We even managed to find some of that in the dark. When I woke up, my heart had all but slipped away. I figured if I could just keep my heart in that room, in that relationship and just let time pass over us, it might slowly revive itself. He laid in the bed as I got up to leave for work. Before I slipped out, I told him I would be off at 7:30. His response was, "Okay, I'm going to Bingo tonight" and like a ---- over a candle, my flame was out. Where was the "us" in that? Where was the us? It was him living his life and putting me in it. Somewhere.

I walked down the stairs, turned the heater down because I knew he couldn't sleep with it so hot in there and left. Driving home and the whole morning, I just kept hearing, "rip the band aid, rip the band aid." I couldn't wait all day, I would have felt like I had betrayed him if I let him think all day it was going to work. I called him while I was sitting in my car before I went into work.

He called me at 3:00 in the morning. I have no idea what we talked about, but I know it was a whole conversation. I remember wanting so desperately to know what he was saying and to remember it but knowing that I was so asleep it wasn't going to happen.

Second day, second guessing.

Maybe if I just told him, I don't know what to do. Maybe if I told him, hey you know, I don't feel like we have anything in common outside of liking each other, we could have built something on that? I want to call him. But what would we say anyway - hi, I'm playing video games or watching a movie or I'm at space room and me saying, okay, I'm going to stay at home and sit on my bed or clean, or just be at home?

This hurts. It really does. I know it was right but this hurts.

I want to say something to him but I feel like it won't change anything, it will just stir the pot. It will just mess it up. But I also feel like if I don't say something maybe I'll regret missing the opportunity.

Work tomorrow

We talked twice tonight. The first conversation was for 2 minutes. We hadn't spoken all day before that. I had just got off work and he was still playing World of War craft. I think we mentioned that and our brief plans for the evening before we said goodbye and me asking him for the courtesy check in mid evening call, which arrived a few hours later. He called me during his smoke break before he was about to start a movie. I could tell because he mentioned it at the end of our conversation, that he had scheduled it in since I asked him to, and also the obvious inhalation during his "conversation".

It's not looking good.

Too much too soon? Probably. When it comes down to it, we are very different people. And I know that he could and would do everything I ever asked to make me happy. The problem with that is that a lot of it wouldn't include the things that he likes to do. I think we both know that.

It's been nice having someone to think about, someone to adore and learn new things about. Everyone finds him hilarious and extremely likable, I am still getting there. He doesn't like to do much outside of go to the bar and play video games, and who am I to judge? As long as I don't have to do it. Those things make him happy. And I'm starting to realize that as much as I'd love to try and be apart of that, that is exactly what would happen, I would only be trying.

It's hard having the break up conversation with myself before talking to him about it. I'm sure everyone does it. I need to be somewhat emotionally secure before I drag someone down this path, right? It's also just the end of a really long fucking holiday - that's still going, I might add. I am about to be jobless and I haven't done anything to prevent it, except hold on to blind optimism. I'm broke, $8.44 in the bank broke for 4 days. He's broke and bored cause he can't afford to socialize via space room. We've both spent WAY too much time together and with our families no less and well, I've ran out of excuses.

I'm sitting in my bed with my cat. I'm sad and scared of being, that thing again....single....alone. Although I suppose I always have been. No, not always. I'll miss his "Yes, dear." I'll miss getting kisses on the side of my neck. I really liked "fitting" inside of his embrace. I'm scared of not having a job and trying to find one. I'm scared of what my life is suppose to be like and is not. I'm just about through with 2010. What a way to close a chapter, ey? I'm not sure how it's going to go down. I feel like I have it in me to give it one more chance, maybe mix it up, try something, anything to not give up hope. Until then, I've got work tomorrow.

The bridge to "team land" is little "spacey"

I'm stuck. Really stuck. The kind of stuck that you think about and think about and think about and think that by thinking about it, it will go away and every time the same thing keeps happening and you keep having the same feelings about it you resolve to just keep thinking about it until those feelings go away kind of stuck.

I hate that he goes to the bar all the time.

That is how I am stuck. I know that all his friends are there, what's wrong with that? I don't go to the bar all the time. That's what. I have tried to be open minded about it, but that is just not me. I just don't like it. When you say you're broke but you can go to the bar and buy a couple of drinks every day, it makes me feel like, maybe....you're not broke. I don't see how it's cute to be drunk either. When I show up and he says, "I've had a couple to drink." I don't think that's cute. It might be, if it wasn't a standard occurrence. Like, 'wow, that's out of the blue'.

Hand in hand with that is the fact that when he likes to stay at the bar with his friends as oppose to go home with me. Granted it was a going away party, but I hate feeling like it's a drag going home with me as oppose to staying. What part of a team is that?

I'm trying to target my feelings about it so I can have a conversation with him about it but it really just is - why do you say you're broke but have money to buy drinks (several drinks) everyday. Why is it so important for you to stay to hang out with your friends when your girlfriend wants to go home? Especially if you're only staying for another hour? Really? And I just don't know if I want to be on a team where my partner is always at the bar. The bar implies that you need some sort of social lubricant to enjoy your life. Would it be different if it was a drink at home every night? Yes and no. It would be different because it means that you can be independent of a group and it wouldn't be different because why do you need to get tipsy every night (most nights)?

I talked to my sister yesterday and we talked about how her and her husband don't always have the same hobbies, or like to the do the same things but it's their life plan that they have in common that keeps them together. They wanted a family and children and that is important to them. That is their common goal that they can turn to when times are tough and say, this is what is most important to them. I'm not sure what my boyfriend and my goal would be. I don't know what his plan is other than be happy now - and be happy with his friends with me there now.

We are so great for each other in so many ways. He is adoring and attentive, he is a great listener and very nurturing. We have great communication for the most part. Those qualities are what I am most grateful for and couldn't ask for anything better when it comes down to it. It's just our lifestyles are so different it is a bridge that is a little unsafe for me to cross to get to "Team land". I keep thinking I have to compromise something or have a plan on what I want to ask for in order to bring it up, but I guess I just have to say it and let him decide what to do with that information.

"Happiness is a hard fucking road"

Being in a relationship is hard. I used to spend a lot of time wondering who he was going to be and now I spend my time thinking...how is this going to work? I guess that is what happens when you find someone you are genuinely interested in. I find myself OVER thinking (shocker). It's all that damn Oprah and Dr. Phil. Don't do this, do this, if he does this he means this.

Lately we haven't been able to have sex because of complications with me starting my birth control. Coincidentally, it also turns me into a terrible ball of raging, uncontrollable hormones. He is so forgiving, understanding and has not pressured me into doing anything. So naturally, I am in insecure. He is being nice and I take that as disinterest. When I finally get something that I could only dream about, I turn it into something that is wrong.

My mind wanders into an abyss of what ifs. It is my security blanket for relationships. It allows me to hide myself and drift into a world that I have no control over. I find I use it a lot when thinking about our sexual relations. I also use it a lot with his friends, girls mostly, that he talks about a lot and with emotional attachment. It's very dark in this abyss. It also makes my eyebrows furrow together and my mind comes to a point. I have been using it for the past 2 weeks. I started to think, "what happened to me?" Before my relationship I had every confidence for what I wanted to do with my life, my time, my ideas. But when it's time to share those, I lay down like a carpet and say, "please walk all over me." Terrible.

I am learning to let go of my security blanket and be in the present moment with my partner. Don't want to watch TV, then I won't watch TV. Want to cook dinner, then I'll cook dinner. He tells me a story about one of his girlfriends, I'll ask questions about her and their friendship - maybe even before I assign an emotion to it. When it comes to the bedroom, I won't assign thoughts to him. I won't judge myself, I'll just love myself for who I am and what I like.

I just read the most appropriate quote, "Happiness is a hard fucking road."

It truly is. The key is to remember that only I am in control of my happiness, not my partner. Part of my happiness is letting him contribute and teaching him how. I love how easy it sounds and I'll meditate on it for awhile. We'll see how it turns out.

Lessons in closeness.....

Learned :

1. If I am uncomfortable with a situation I sometimes....make it about me.... so I can get control of the situation. I don't have to do that. If I don't like how something is going, it's okay to say, "hey - I think I'm gonna just do me tonight." There's nothing wrong with that. It's okay to have space.

Stop worrying so much. I worried that if I left I was a bad girlfriend, I worried that he watched too much TV and that meant he was ALWAYS going to watch too much TV and that we weren't compatible. If I left, I would just be accepting that. I didn't want to. I had lots to do at my house and didn't want to leave him. As soon as I turned the tables, I realized how nice it would be to just do me. Take a night to clean the house, and pamper myself the way I am used to...if I wanted to. It doesn't change anything.

I enjoyed our closeness. It also makes me panic. I'm working on that. Balance. Breathe. Goosefraba.

2. When I get fussy.....STOP. It's time to take a time out. Evaluate what I want to do for myself. Don't make up things for me to do FOR HIM. Where did I get this notion that I was responsible for his happiness? I need to stop thinking. Good luck.

Tonight, the clothes will get put away. Josie will get brushed, Johnny will get a clean tank and I will watch Wolfman while doing my toes and plucking my eyebrows.

Dusting off the cobwebs

it's incredible all the false situations I create in my head while I'm alone. It suddenly occurred to me tonight that maybe my boyfriend likes me. Likes me like, likes me. Likes me the way I like him. When I think of him, I just get excited that he treats me so nice and he's so giving and I just see all the good bits. But it's still comical that I can be so insecure about what he thinks about me (which obviously are my own self inflicted insecurities). My boobs are too small (which I have NEVER thought about myself) I have too many sexual issues, we don't have enough sex (which is not true) what does that mean? He must feel awkward around me because I don't just jump on him when I see him. What if we don't have sex every time I see him? Is that bad? Is that not normal? Does that mean we're not attracted to each other. And then I STOP.

Whoa, whoa, whoa Kyla. You have great sex. He totally thinks your hot. He sends you endless text messages telling you how he can't stop thinking about you and lists all the things he like - no - loves about you. And not every relationship is the same. I mean...for f sake, the last relationship I have to draw from was over 5 years ago...I was 23. I'm 28. I am not going to have that relationship again. I forgot. It's really fun learning about him and learning about us. Whats nice about being 28, is I know what I need. I know I don't need my boyfriend to take care of me, I don't need my boyfriend to make everything better. I can let go of all the "what you're suppose to do" expectations and I get to just like my boyfriend because he's him. I am just happy knowing that he's here and we can spend time together and have fun together when we can and if we can't that doesn't change how I feel about him. <--- That is a new feeling for me.

Tonight I am really tired. I had one of the hardest days of work I've had since I can remember and I wanted to see him. But I knew I was too tired. He had plans and I wanted him to enjoy his evening. I really wanted to have him to cuddle up to at night and just get some loves and affection after such a hard day, I wanted to be selfish about it. When I was 23 - I would have demanded it. But at 28, I stayed at home and got some rest. Honestly, when he said, "I don't want you to think I don't want to see you" was all I needed. I already knew that, but hearing him say it was sweet. It's things like that, that have helped my insecure "crazy thoughts" evaporate. I mean, I'm human after all, and I've had my heart trampled a time or two, so I'm not perfect and I'm not going to never have these crazy insecurities ever again, but it's nice to know that those insecurities, rather than brick pavers, are more like cobwebs. It's time to dust off my ideas about relationships and just enjoy.

fight and/or flight

I am fighting this with all I've got. I'm fighting for it and against it. I'm just fighting. He is kind, he is nurturing, he is not perfect. And neither am I. And so am I. I am hurt and confused, I am comforted and happy. They all happen at the same time and it's hard to distinguish which to address first. I've had a lot of years to decide what I needed. I watched and listened to my friend's relationships coil and bloom. I watched tears stream down their cheeks. On those same cheeks, I've seen a hint of blush appear married to a smile over a text message. Why is it, that when I realized I had hurt his feelings, that is when I knew I liked him. We are such strange creatures. I liked him before the hurt feelings, but only when I knew I wanted to make them feel better, did I want to throw away all my armor and stop fighting. I wanted in.

He fed me his skillfully made (over buttered (to perfection)) sauteed mushrooms while I shopped for a toaster for my mom. I should have bought it, but decided to wait to payday. We waited for the pizza to finish cooking before we watched America's Next Top Model and drank some delicious Pinot. He went outside to smoke and I was insecure that he was talking to a girl. Where did that come from? My brain. My amazingly creative, over-thinking, error on the side of overreacting, contradictory stubborn brain. I jumped up to blog about it - but I stopped. Too soon. When he entered I asked him who he was talking to - his friend Jay, of course. I am lame. I am just not apart of that world....yet. I wasn't sure if I could be. Not because I wasn't invited, but because of my "standards". My standards of who I think I should be and who I certainly shouldn't be. Those are fighting words. It's hard to change, ya? So here I am.

We finished the night cuddled on the sofa and then said goodnight to the downstairs and retired to the bedroom. A perfect ending, almost. Until I decided that I just had to say it like it was. I had to express myself over something I had been thinking about and pretty much just force my thoughts and opinions all over him. I've had a lot of practice telling it like it is, from Kyla's perspective. (And yes I just referred to myself in third person). It all just balls up. There is a lot of getting to know someone in the beginning....I mean there is a lot to collect, sort, fold, iron, starch, air dry, gentle cycle, delicates. And who likes laundry? I'm sitting in a pile of it right now as I write, literally and metaphorically, of course. And he just took it. And I fell sleep. And he didn't.

I woke up blissful, having said my piece. And he...left. Well, he went to work. Ya, this whole Princess complex is gonna have to go. If I want him. And I do. I could tell something was wrong when he left. I texted him to see if he was alright. "I'm fine" was his response. If you are a human being, you know what that means : "I'm not fine". Next post on facebook from him - I need more sleep. I text...sorry you didn't sleep well, want me to bring some coffee on my way home. He replies "we have coffee here" aka "please don't talk to me".

I had to call in reinforcements. A pep talk from my older sister and another quick 45 minute conversation with my best, no bullshit friend and I was thoroughly versed in just how ridiculous I had been and if I had any hope of finding a life preserver I was going to have to humbly ask for one. Something something, I'm sorry. And just like that, I knew. I knew how much he meant to me. All of him. And that I was willing to get over myself a little bit (it's a slow process) to be almost as good as he is to me. He deserves it. And so do I.

Boyfriend

I couldn't stop talking about him the entire time. I referred to him as my boyfriend multiple times, including the time an ex texted me to see if we could meet up. The only person I hadn't told, was him. What was I waiting for? He had asked me to be his girlfriend, which I politely avoided answering and then had also asked for a status update which I also politely avoided. So what gives? Why couldn't I articulate these thoughts to him? It just isn't safe. Being a boyfriend is an action, more than a verb - and he is to me, as far as being nurturing and allowing me to feel safe when sharing my feelings and asking what he can do and thanking me for being open. But - and- so that is good. That is why I refer to him as my boyfriend (to other people). But to say it to his face means : I'm trusting you to be my partner and enjoy things with me....BUT WHAT HAPPENS....when you don't enjoy the same things? Like .......... being social. I love parties. I love to float around and talk to everyone and mix it up, I love to be the center of attention, can he handle that? How will he handle that? My biggest fear is that he would probably sit on the front porch and smoke. Or, I like to talk a lot and he's not the most chatty guy. But he is such a great listener. And I feel safe around him and I feel connected to him in a way that I haven't felt with anyone in such a long time.

I walked into his house after a 4 hour drive home and presented him with the snacks I had brought over to share. I had practiced so many times how I was going to tell him that he was my boyfriend, but they all seemed too soon or too far away. Slip it in a text message? Ask him as a Christmas present. All too contrived. I just walked right into his place and (without looking at him) I said, "ya, I brought these goodies over for my boyfriend." I think I may have stuttered when the words actually came out of my mouth. I think he was just as surprised as I was that I had said it because then he asked, "Does this mean I have a girlfriend?" And I guess I still don't know what that means but it's what I want. I want a committed relationship that I can grow in with him. I want us to be an us and learn about each other and spend time together, a lot of time. The 4 days I was away felt incredibly weird without him.

5 little words

Are we in a relationship? THAT is a big question. How can those 5 little words be such a big question? Oh, but they are.

93% is an A.

He's not a bad guy.

"You finally got over yourself" he said to me. My jaw dropped in a playful fake shocked face at his ridiculous comment. "And then I got over myself."

I smiled.

The night before, after a surprisingly enjoyable evening of Harry Potter and Hal's :

"You know, you're an asshole and I'm still pissed that you stood me up on Halloween."

"You want to talk about this right now?"

"Yes."

"Alright, I was nnnnnnniiiiii.....nnnnnnn...tttttttyyyyy....ttthhrreee percent in the wrong. I will own that."

"93% huh? Well I will own the other 7%." I smiled like a kid getting candy.

He leaned down to kiss me and I moved back insinuating that he wasn't quite finished, I started, "I'm.....?"

"I'm.....sorry for treating you that way."

I was awe struck. Having him apologize was the equivalent of saying, well actually it was more like, showing me that he cared about how I was treated. He also gave himself 93%, when he could have said, 50 or he could have said 85. But he didn't. The most appropriate word for what I felt was nurtured. It had been sooooo long since I had last felt nurtured. What a great feeling. I felt like all my blood cells exhaled. I was being loved.

Bad boys

I'm so mad at myself today because of the way I let him treat me! BLEH. Seriously Kyla. I mean I know that half the time you were "playing along" because you didn't want to let him bother you or hurt your feelings so you were playing it cool. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAY AT ALL. Because it does hurt and you don't need someone to talk to you like that. And stop thinking about their feelings/well-being when it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Call him a cab, don't invite him to stay.

What is going on with men in the world? Am I finding men that don't have plans because I don't have a plan? What's my plan? Find someone I can enjoy, trust, respect, admire. Assert myself. Share my feelings, grow as a person. Commit. Marry and carry on. But before that, I'd settle for someone who had plans for the evening!

He kept saying, "I know you've been dating a lot. I have friends in this town who saw you out. But that's good, that's what you have to do. I just don't know how you date all the time. All those guys from eharmony! (I explained the only one from that website was him) How do you meet these people! I just don't get it, I don't date. I just like someone and then go from there. Obviously you know who you like, or obviously you don't."

Part of me gets a high off these emotions outbursts, 'he's sharing. This is raw. This is real emotion and thought. The closest to intimacy that I get to see.' But then it contorts quickly into my own emotional trap. 'Did he just say those things to me?' I wanted to know how a person "just likes someone and then goes from there." Isn't that what I'm trying to do? I knew that I was giving myself a free "try on" with him, just to help me learn : a) do not date guys whose actual voice inflections sounds like he's whining. b) don't date guys who tell you what is and isn't going to happen after you assert yourself.

Come on Kyla, what are you? Lazy? Like you didn't know these things already. But the power of being near a serial monogamous was intoxicating. As if just being in his presence I could figure out what that would be like. A tiny door opening. Not one I could ever fit through but just enough for me to crouch down and get a glimpse of how it works.

From what I could gather from this specimen, it means, as soon as you meet someone, you suddenly feel like you can invite yourself over, not have plans or consider the other person's time, take them out to run an errand that you have planned for yourself, then drive aimlessly until they come up with a place to go, invite yourself to stay over regardless of what the other person's plans are (and drinking enough to ensure you're incapacitated to drive) and then attempt to treat the other person like their body is yours, regardless of what the other person has to say, and then when told to leave, tell that person they'll have to call the cops if you want them to leave. Seriously.

His hair looked ridiculous. So what if he'll be in Men's Journal - he looked like a moron and sounded like he had cotton balls shoved up his nostrils. He'll call me soon and be completely mystified why I would be upset or why I wouldn't want to hang out.

Unfortunately, I know I am not the only person who has had to deal with such intolerant behavior, I can only hope that this helps me to make better choices earlier on and validate other people who have felt as frustrated and naive (stupid) as I have.

Next time, I'm calling the cops.

Change is...

A theme is emerging....."You didn't give me a chance."

So I move a little fast. My advice on my horoscope birthday page says, even a rabbit can twist an ankle. I think about that and well, here it is popping up in my day to day. Today is my first nephew's 9th birthday. I let my sister reminisce about his first year over the phone. I was with Mr. G back then. He was refered to as Uncle "G" and he was great. He was there for the first ultra sound when we found out Tyson was going to be a boy and there at the first birthday party. Katie said, "so much has changed since then" and all I could think about was "ya, that was when I had a solid relationship - 9 years ago." Katie, my older sister was married and having a baby, I was in college with Mr. G and Kara was fresh out of a relationship, she was single. I was in love with my boyfriend. I wanted to be his wife.

I don't know if you would call it superstition, but Kara and I had this running joke that if one of us was in a relationship, the other person had to be single....it had been like that for a the last few relationships. Well surely enough as soon as I was out of my relationship she was in one, when hers fizzled, I found a new man, when we broke up, Kara got married, I knew I was screwed. I've been single ever since. Does this have anything to do with me not giving men a chance? Probably not.

Looking back at how much life has changed since my nephew was born is very eye opening. I want more than anything to be back in that time, where I have a partner, someone to go to family events with and build memories to look back on in time. If that's ever going to happen I'm going to have to start giving these men a chance. If I'm good at anything it's taking constructive criticism. So lets see....instead of focusing on just what I enjoy about a boy and creating a secret tally of things that "will just never work" until I reach the point of irreconcilable differences (in my mind), perhaps I could say, "hey you know, I'm bored right now, what can we do that's fun?" or "I'm uncomfortable" or "What do you want out of this relationship?" or "I would really like it if you called instead of texted" or "I want you to come to my house instead of me having to drive because you don't have a car". As easy as these things seem to say, my mind just adds them to my tally of "impossible relationship" traits.

Self analysis is so much more sticky than writing about an experience and letting it stand for what it is, but for the sake of finishing up these thoughts, I will say, I suppose I don't say what's in my "impossible tally" because I don't believe that even if I do say those things that person will change them or care to. I don't believe they should have to change. I just chalk it up to 'not being the right one'. Of course I give them, oh about a week, for me to ultimately decide if someone is not the right person....too soon?

I also think that all of this mumbling about how to have a relationship is just something I do to soothe myself until the right one does come along. And then all of this thought will vanish because I'll know him completely when we meet and he will know me. When you know you know. Right? Until then, I will practice saying my tally thoughts out loud. Who knows if they will change or they won't, I guess I'll never know unless I try. Change is good.

New Rules

New rules :

1. no text messages. If you are dating me, then I will only accept phone calls to talk, or make plans.

2. Friends first. (I'm listening to you and you're right) I want a buddy, someone interesting that I can hang out with and feel very comfortable and pal around with AND have chemistry with. I want that feeling of suspense and excitement.

seek first to understand...

This terrible tragic experience happened and then it was rectified. A magical moment of understanding and change occurred. Or so I thought. But of course when explaining it, I had to get through the swamp of hell portion to explain the glorious silver lining. The problem with that scenario is when telling the swamp of hell part to your family members you can't finish your sentences because they now have to explain their thoughts and emotions about the situation, aka explaining what my swamp of hell looks like to them, and then I'm stuck in the swamp of hell for another fucking eternity. Now I have to calm them down and I'm crying and they're "just saying" and I haven't even gotten to the good part. But now my good part has become quick sand and is quickly slipping back into my swamp of hell. What was the good part? Oh ya. It doesn't matter. It never did. My good part couldn't possibly rectify the swamp of Hell I had to go through let alone the one I just drug my family through. Before I can even get to my point of resolution and reward I am reminded that I have no idea what I'm doing and that I keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again. A few bits of "you are amazing and worth more" are sprinkled in to sweeten the shards of glass I am swallowing referring to the facts of defeat I have just admitted to my ever eager panel of listeners. Thanks. I thought I almost did something relationship worthy. Nope, still broken.

They only want one thing

Last night when I came home to wash his smell off of me, I cried because I was so tired of being objectified. I recalled the times in my life when I was told to show people my body, whether it was trying on my first string bikini, or getting my first bras and then told to show people I wasn't comfortable showing, "just show them, it's not a big deal" was my encouragement. Awkward for any 13 year old. And my early experiences learning about relationships through my father was waiting outside bedroom doors for him and his various girlfriends to finish having their alone time. The attention he would give them compared to the attention I would get was intensely different, although sometimes he would still be in boyfriend mode and say things like 'oh baby' to me as a reaction to something I said or did or sometimes I would get a whistle that he would give his girlfriend and I would feel very confused and often angry. I cried in the shower because I realized I learned at a young age to do as I was told and to not talk about feelings of being uncomfortable. Just get through it. Just get past it and then go to a safe place where it will all be over with. I've just gotten so used to sheltering my feelings that I lost the words to go with them. They have become strangely disconnected, they are now on delay. They are about 2 days off. Sometimes they don't come at all, and then you'll just never hear from me again. Those words get shoved somewhere deep inside, I think somewhere behind my eyes. I'm pretty sure if you look close enough you can sometimes see them.

I cried for my voice to come back. I cried to be heard - to hear myself. I cried because I was broken. It was 2 am and I had already washed my hair once that day. I make this terribly embarrassing cry face and I couldn't look at it in the foggy mirror because it was so pathetic. I needed to keep crying. I needed my feelings to resonate through the walls of my house out into the world, the whole world, or just until I could believe them. I brushed my teeth and crawled into bed.

They only want one thing, that's what my mother tells me.

Navigating the Barmuda triangle

What happened to relationships being about friendships and spending time together? Doesn't anyone want to do that anymore? I finally met someone that I like spending time with and enjoy being around and unfortunately, like perusal, it's like pulling fucking teeth to get this person to ask ME to spend time with him or if it's anything outside of what he usually does (barmuda triangle with friends or catching up on TV), he somehow is just not up to it. What the fuck is up with that? The confusion comes from the fact that when we DO spend time together I feel like we are both having a good time. He says things like, "I'm so glad you came over. I'm so glad you called." So then why.....do I feel so absurd asking him to do something with me?

Because I already feel like he's not going to do it. He's not going to be comfortable doing it. And that is why I am trying to figure out why it's about locational comfort and not just about spending time with me anywhere. I don't think this is a situation where I'm being needy because I thoroughly enjoy my alone time, I'm not lonely. I just like his company and have recently started thinking of fun things we could do together. I know that people say things like, 'when you're with the right one, there's no effort, there's no "work"' but what if you like the person and they're just not in the same place as you - yet. I know, I know. Probably not the right person. I just don't want to hang this up. Do I have to stop seeing this person because he doesn't exert a certain effort to engage in "my" life - even though I have a great time when I am engaging in his life? Will he come around? I feel like I hang up my towel every time the slightest little hiccup occurs. Is this a hiccup or something worth exploring? Can we navigate our way out of this barmuda triangle?

there I am

It needs to be said that I met someone I feel has great potential for a relationship.

I have turned down 2 date proposals flat out because I want to give this a chance.

that's a big deal.

There are a lot of things in our lives that are different and some that are the same, but when I look at him a part of me melts and I feel at home. A relationship isn't something you chose, it is something you do, it is something that reveals itself. I kinda want to see what happens next.

I will save my next blog to explain to you how on the edge I am with fear of rejection and looking like an idiot. And I will end by quoting a photographer from America's Next Top Model, Franscesco Carrozzini, "when you want something you let go of fear" and there I am.

Perfect on Paper

It's been awhile since I've written. Some people would think it's only been a second, but my life moves in milli seconds so a lot has happened. I'll give you the flip photo book version.

Light bulb, no chemistry with the model. So frustrating that when you find someone who meets all your "requirements" and then there is no spark. None. He calls, he texts, he wants to take me out, he has a great job and doesn't do drugs. He has TERRIBLE grammer and is kinda boring. Sorry, just saying. After a week of build up and no spark I am inspired to make a few phone calls. There was someone that I had floating around in my mind for a month or so - an ex girlfriend who I went to college with 6 years ago preventing me from making a call, suddenly doesn't seem like such a big deal in the scheme of things. I actually like this guy and felt a spark so why am I wasting my time with mister perfect on paper? Time to shut the book.

I sent an S.O.S via text and had a date for Sunday.

winds of change

I don't know if it's the stars or just the winds of change but I am loving my singleness all of a sudden. I think perhaps I realized that there are still attractive single men out there who might actually like me (and who are not on eharmony). After I came to terms with the fact that my "model" eharmony date and I had no chemistry I was overcome with inspiration to reach out to 2 other men who I had in my sights. One of them, I know better than to contact - but I was feeling very fierce about my singleness and knowing I wasn't in it for a relationship I felt less inhibited. He was out of town. Thank goodness for that. The other was someone I had been considering since I met him at house party almost a month ago. I didn't pursue earlier because the last person he dated (though it was 8 months ago) was a friend of mine from college. Even though I hadn't seen her in 8 years and I didn't plan to in the future, I wasn't sure what that situation would be like. But my interest was peaked and I called him. He was also out of town. Both men texted back they would be back on Sunday and wanted to get together.

Why do I do this to myself? I continually go back and forth between, 'I want a relationship' a.k.a take it slow, go on dates, get to know them before kissing etc, and 'I just want to be single and play and do whatever happens'. Where's my patience. Why do I need whatever I want now in this instant?

I said, "I want to". And he was pleased. He didn't know me well enough to know that I can want something and will not do it if it's not good for me. What am I guarding. What part of me needs protecting?

Smoke and tempura

So this whole time I've been wondering why I've felt like an outsider from the inner most circle of my girls night experience. I thought it was because I was on the outs with one of the main ladies who used to be my bestie. Well, that's not it. It all came crashing into focus tonight as I left girls night, party of 3....plus 1. Me and 2 other girls night attendants were just saying good night after almost choking ourselves out with smoke from our tempura experiment when so-and-so's boyfriend runs upstairs and hands off a tiny package to the other girl in attendance to give to her boyfriend. And then I get it.

Not only have I been benched in girls night because of my lack of atonement with said ex-bestie, in the process, the ladies' bf's have come into the picture, created their own boys thing, which then makes it a "couple's" thing because the girls have their boy toys to talk about and the room just got smaller for a single girl like me - who has no boy toy and who has no chance of becoming closer acquaintances with the girls' bf's because I have no bf to buffer my singleness from. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Now, I know this is a lot of over thinking...but that's not just smoke and tempura that's just how it is. That is the gospel on being the LAST single girl in girls night. Out of the girl circle, only to realize the line to get back in is a lot longer than I thought.

Lesson learning : How not to do it

He informed me that he had figured out what side of the bed I slept on, naturally because it was closest to the night table and stereo (but I really only sleep on that side of the bed because it's farthest from the door which makes me feel safer). When I'm sleeping in my bed with a partner, I prefer to sleep on the left side. I tend to sleep facing the left and I like the comfort of someone being behind me rather than face to face where you get a bunch of scrunched up arms pushed against each other or I get to look at someones back all night. Either way, there we were deciding what side of the bed we were going to sleep on and we hadn't even kissed yet, let alone insinuated that kissing was going to be taking place.

At that point I had stopped being present I was just trying to figure out what was happening. I knew it was going to happen, which is why I opted for wine at a fun wine bar. But after his request to have wine at my house without much input towards my suggestion I thought, 'what the hell' and instructed that he must supply the firewood and I would have the wine. I had 20 minutes to clean my entire house.

45 minutes later he showed up with a box of firewood. Not the duraflame I requested, he insisted that the sound of a real fire was half the glory of having a fire. It was cute and thoughtful. I enjoyed his enthusiasm, but lets not confuse that with chemistry, it was a mere enjoyed observation. What did I think was going to happen? I'll tell you. He would come over, we would have comfortable conversation in front of the fire place while drinking wine. Then awkward would happen. Awkward curiosity about our chemistry which had yet to be established (existing) on our first 2 dates, leading to an awkward overnight stay. Did I practice ways to say good night to him and suggest it was time for him to go? Yes. Did I know that my curiosity would never allow such silly conversations to take place? Yes. Did I think this time was going to be different and that I would in fact not permit him to stay over on a third date? Yes. Did he stay over on a third date? Yes.

Did we have sex on the third date? No.

Dad - you may want to skip this next part in italics to prevent irreversible damage (you're welcome). My thought process whilst lying next to my "date". oy vey.

Okay, he's in his boxers but we're not going to do anything, just sleep. We've never kissed and I'm not sure we're going to. I can't figure him out, mixed messages. I glance over at him then look away, glance over then look away. Am I suppose to make the first move? Is it okay to have a sleep over on the third date? This is awkward. This is terrible. But I'm sure it's fine. Carrie Bradshaw did this once in an episode of Sex in the City. Kyla, that was a T.V. show. What is going on here. Really? You're going to let a model just sleep in your bed? He's only been out of a relationship for 6 months and it was a 3 year relationship - does he think this is what it's suppose to be like on a third date? Is this just normal to him because he's used to just sleeping in a bed with a woman next to him? I'm not and this is not right. WHOA....Okay, he just kissed me. Where did that come from? Well. Do I just have one good night kiss? Do we kiss more? Do we make out? Was he just trying to kiss me to satisfy my curiosity? Did he want to kiss me? Well, we're kissing so...is that all? What is he doing with his tongue, it's everywhere - where are his lips? Can't beat 'em, join 'em. This kissing is ridiculous. Maybe I should just tell him I don't want him to stay. Both of our arms are pinned under our sides, this is weird. But okay. Okay...so now we're doing more than kissing. Where did my clothes go? Are we going to do this? No. Maybe? People who start relationships sometimes start out like this, passionately. Do people start out like this, passionately? Can this lead to a relationship? Is it over after tonight if this doesn't work out? I'm on eharmony because I want a relationship, not this. Do we have anything to do this? No. Phew...easy out. "Let's not do this tonight," I said. Good job Kyla. You didn't have sex. Does he think I said that because of him or because I didn't want to have sex? Hmm. He stroked my back affectionately. That feels nice. It's been so long since I've had that kind of affection. I'll take it. Now we get to sleep next to each other. Not the comfortable next to each other, the - we've just crossed the boundary but aren't going to cross all the boundaries but here we are in bed naked next to each other....And here's Josie, my cat, jumping on the bed. now she's gonna puke up a hair ball. perfect. I shove her off the bed mid gag. I'll clean that up in the morning. I wake up and he's getting dressed. I'm already awake but turn to face him because I fear that he'll leave without saying goodbye otherwise. I don't think I could take that. I have to unlock the door so he can leave and he gives me a hug and says, "we'll talk soon."

In hindsight I can feel when my focus shifted from, lets just get to know each other, to, I really want a boyfriend, I don't want to start over again. It's not so much a conscious shift, it's just part of where I'm at right now. I have a need to connect to someone. I suppose I'm learning patience. I'm still learning that it's OKAY to say, "I'm really confused. I'm getting mixed messages. I like you but I don't want you to stay the night (without fear that he will think I'm rejecting him, a.k.a. assigning him feelings that I've been programmed to assume he'll think, which are all bullshit by the way).

Last night in front of the fire while we were drinking wine I had an 'ah-ha' moment. We were talking about relationships and I realized that sometimes you know in your heart how long each relationship is going to last. The reason why it doesn't stop at the beginning is because you know there is something there that you are going to learn from this person and when you have learned that lesson, you know in your heart that you can let go. Unfortunately for stubborn people, like myself and having this insight I sometimes push the stop button way too in advance because I'd rather not learn anything at that particular moment. I want a relationship without the growing part. So....maybe this eharmony thing is a nice way of easing myself into learning to let go. Learning to chose, learning my own voice, what it sounds like and what it can do.

I don't know if he will call me. Part of me wants to just make it better. But I'm not that invested yet, which magnifies the desire in me to want things to just be okay. And then magnifies my desire to learn that they already are. Because I'm okay. Learning can be painful, but it sure helps me remember how not to do it. Right?

Validation

I've been watching Sex in the City on blast for like 2 weeks now and after almost every episode I think..."That's EXACTLY how it is to be single." There are a few that really take the cake, like Season 1 episode 3, bay of married pigs and the episode I just finished watching, Season 5, episode 8, I love a charade. This one scene in particular spoke so much truth that I watched it twice before deciding to write it down for good measure. So please enjoy the show :

Carrie talking to a new boy she is interested in about her ex and relationships :

'There was the merging of the things, then the dividing of the things, then the things left behind that you don't want to give back because that seems mean, and you don't want to throw them away...because it's all you have left. And it gets harder as we get older...because we're not dating wildly inappropriate people anymore. You know, there's no "shew, glad that's over" And after every breakup I tell myself, I'm never doing this again. It's too, it's too hard. I mean how many of these things can one person survive??

Then the boy immediately makes an excuse to leave, rips his jacket out from under the both of them to get on his motorcycle and races away.

She thinks she's been "emotionally slutty" by sharing too much too soon.

He eventually returns and admits that after talking about all that, he just didn't know if he could handle all of that again, as he himself just got out of a relationship.

The biggest reason why this got to me, was because that is the meat of being single. That is the pre-next relationship, dating emotional sandwich that I have had once or twice as a happy hour snack. I've experienced all of that, drawn out for days, which I just watched happen in the last 20 minutes and so it needed to be documented.

And the capacity for emotion and loving and sadness and hope that I and we all possess as humans captured in a moment I felt while watching this and being grateful for the life I have now.

The human experience is nothing without validation. I felt that.

The One

The very notion of calling this blog 'The One' is enough to send my head reeling. I haven't been able to write because of over thinking my own fucking thoughts. That is how I approach this "idea" of dating. It's so unnecessarily overwhelming that I'd rather stick my head in the sand. However, here I am.

I can't write about 'The One' because there is no ONE. This should be called the 'who am I' blog or the 'how do I get through this next year alone' blog.

So, I had a breakdown today at Laughing Planet. Appropriate I thought. My friend Sarah was discussing her relationship and true to form I was actively listening and being supportive. Until i realized, I cannot be supportive today. I don't want to be supportive. I could not be supportive of ANYONE ELSE'S RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I NEEDED SOME FUCKING ATTENTION. Just because I didn't have someone to talk about didn't mean I didn't need some "what about me time". It was the strangest feeling really, we had just connected over her feelings about acceptance when I had this terrible sinking in my gut and my mind yelled "You need to leave now or my head is going to explode." Tears welled in my eye ducts and my throat filled with sand. I tried to change the subject but the only words that escaped were, "I'm going to have a breakdown right here." Followed by, "I feel like I should just drive home, right now." At laughing planet, mid chip and salsa. Sarah, being the most sympathetic friend told me she didn't want me to leave and let me pour my heart out all over my mild verde and my medium salsa.

"I want to be selfish, I want someone to think about me. I want someone to wonder how I'm doing and if my needs are being met. I can't think about anyone else's someone, who is already spending all their time thinking about the other person." Sarah calmly asked, "Okay, what do you need me to give you?" "Just let me be selfish I guess. Let me talk about myself and just be crazy with someone else for a second" I shrugged. The tears just wouldn't let up. My voice barely cracked, it was my heart taking over saying, 'here I am and I won't let you silence me any longer' while my mind pushed every button in it's control booth saying, 'you don't need anyone's help to feel okay about you, you are just fine taking care of yourself.' Like any good meltdown, I just chalked it up to hormones.

After a few moments of blind egocentricity, I had came back down to earth and still sitting in the booth at laughing planet. God bless Sarah and her stoicism. We laughed and ventured back to her house to make earrings as planned for this Sunday afternoon.

I talked about my breakdown with my step sister and her boyfriend (of 7 months) as we had dinner at my house. Family is great that way, in that, nothing you say can be taken personally, we're related and "real people's" emotions and experience are completely outside the realm of family emotions and experiences. They let me share my thoughts and shared theirs as a couple. Ultimately what I discovered was that, the truth is, being single is fine. I enjoy it.

It's the isolation from my friends that sucks the most. It's the having to relinquish the sisterhood gossip, the not being able to "relate" to my friend's experiences, even sometimes my family's because I don't have a partner. It's THAT isolation that makes being single the hardest. It's so important for me to relate and this is something I can't because I am not .....

there.

I've been asking my friends lately what their favorite thing was/is about being single. These are the things I need to remind myself while I'm living it, and in so doing, I have discovered an outlet, an area on which to relate and converse and also the source of my singleness struggle. So when I call this blog, when I write towards finding "The One" it seems so empty, because I am so fulfilled as me, I am The One. My search, my experiences this year are truly about finding me and being okay with being "The One" in my world filled with Twos.

Get a clue

It's too overwhelming to talk about really.

I was told (texted) by the over-talking, double pump boy that he would rather stay in and play clue with his family than go bowling with me as scheduled for our second date last Saturday night.

Followed by a text saying, "I hope I didn't let you down."

Well if you had to write the text, I'm pretty sure you answered your own question.

Why am I still wanting to go on a second date with this guy? To prove that he is a let down? To see if he is of human descent? He has suggested we go out this Thursday, although "he may be too busy because he might have a job that night." STOP with the over share, run around!! As much as I want to give into the process of this "eharmony experience" this is one game I'm not going to play.

Was it Bachelor #1 in Savoy with the double pump, or was it Bachelor #1 via text message with the lame excuses....either way, that boy needs to get a clue.

Projecting

I watched 'The Burbs' last night. It used to be our favorite movie, 9 years ago when I was in my most secure and loving relationship. I thought he was going to the be "the one" and sometimes I let myself slip back there into the past. I wonder what he's doing and what would have happened if I didn't cut it off at the quick in a moment of utter panic. After 2 year together, he didn't want to marry me yet and so I thought that meant never. Oh, ignorant youth.

I remember how great if felt to have an "our" favorite anything. It was comfortable. It was calming. We loved watching that silly movie, snuggled in bed. Immediately my mind wanders to the excitement I felt after we had been seeing each other for 4 months and that thrilling discovery that it had been such a long time together, and yet feeling like no time at all. Nothing he did effected me, he was simply himself and I loved everything about him. When I'm laying in my bed alone having these thoughts, I try to project that feeling outward. I imagine I am sharing that love with someone right now, my "boyfriend" who exists in my parallel universe. You know, the one that doesn't really exist yet.

I have, in this long journey of singleness, since become appreciative of my time and space. I enjoy my "alone" time. I rarely get lonely, I just call my sister who makes me laugh about anything and everything (you've got to have that in your life). I have just started reading a great book called, How to be an Adult in Relationship. It was handed over with a slew of other relationship books from my "little mom" (step mom). It's been on the shelf for about 8 months but the cover is soft tones of gold and aubergine, nothing loud or intimidating, so I managed to pull it out and skim through it which turned into starting at the beginning. Lessons for the day, 'We are fulfilled when we live out our personal capacity for loving.'

When I think of everything that I had with him, I am remembering my life within that full capacity. A deep security, no faults, love you past your problems kind of full capacity. BUT, and I'm not a big fan of that word....I have to now realize that rather than projecting all of those feelings on a faceless placebo illusion of a relationship, I can just give it all to myself because that is real and that is the relationship I am in.

As Oscar Wilde wrote, "To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance."

Here. here.

my "first time"

Eharmony date number 1.

Wow. I feel like I shouldn't really be blogging yet, I've only just gotten home but what a flurry of information I've collected on this Thursday Evening. Turns out, bachelor #1 has done this eharmony date a time or two and I was, as he coined it, an "ehamony virgin". It had been awhile since I'd been considered anything close to that so I took it. But here is what I'll say overall about my "first time" :

We all create our own realities. In my mind this person was very laid back. He was funny and casual. In person he was wiry, he was anxious, he was perhaps nervous. He was very interested, and told me so, by saying he was ready to spend everyday of the rest of his life with me. I mean, that's what eharmony is focused on, forever, however I happen to think there is a method to this madness. (Obviously I'm a methodical person).

Men, if you're listening, don't say things like, "This is the last time I'm going to see you, isn't it?" Don't drink more than 2 alcoholic beverages. And certainly don't pump a girls boobs into your chest when you are hugging her good night, one pump is terrible and 2 is almost unforgivable - ESPECIALLY if you have just insinuated that you suspect you will not be getting another chance to "date" her.

Do, continue to compliment your date on things they wrote in their profile or things you have in common. Do ASK QUESTIONS when you are nervous, rather than prattling on and on and on and then telling your date, "I talk too much, maybe you should talk a little bit." It's called, engage. Which is a term for connecting I'm sure. And when you feel comfortable enough to tell your date that you call your mother and cry about not having a girlfriend, realize that your date has done that a MILLION times to her mother too, but the first date is TOO SOON to tell her that as a man you do that too. Am I wrong?

As I am writing this, I realize all of his faux paus could have easily been an experience that I would or will have in the future. He took one for the team. This is so hard to write about because everything is the blanket. His awkwardness was my awkwardness, his over-talkativeness is also mine. My quiet reserved observations were his. His dead dog "Lucky" however, was just his dog that got hit by a car, not mine. We have such similar backgrounds, and I did feel very comfortable around him, although I'm not sure if that was my second cocktail talking. Either way, a second date will be in our future. I'm giving it at least 3 dates. If my step mom can get past (and talk openly about) my dad's over blinking "syndrome" I am excited to see what could happen between me and my overtalking, double boob pump, boy.

Can I "Find" Love

Can I "find" love? It seems like everyone has an opinion on how to do it. "Stop looking" "do more of this" "do less of that" "stop doing that" "open up" "don't be so open". These are all part of the rules of dating. I have to say I feel like I've tried them all and yet here I am. 28. Single. I've been single for almost 6 years. I have dated probably a magillion guys within the last 6 years and have come out curled up in bed alone on a Saturday night eating brie and bacon on crackers watching Jersey Shore followed by ANTM on line with my cat happily and routinely sleeping at my feet.

I don't know what it is about being 28 but I feel like I'm ready. I'm really ready to find "the one". How do I know I'm really ready? Like any American knows, money talks. I've spent money to do it - well not "do it" but to find love. I am now on eharmony. I'm going to say that part of being successful in love is screening heavily, or being more "choosey." I need all the help I can get with that because my picker is obviously broken. This blog could have started 6 years ago with the plethora of bad dating experiences I've had, but it would have been called "emotionally damaged, self loathing, no compromise, I hate men" Hardly a focus for love. Last year I was in a 3 month relationship (albeit long distance) where marriage was discussed and ring shopping ensued....and then we broke up. I think that was a teaser for me, testing me to see what is it exactly that I want.

This I know for sure : I want love. I want someone to love and have them love me back. I want a best friend and partner and someone who makes me laugh all the time...even when I hate them. Someone I can respect and someone that inspires me to be a better me by simply loving me the way I am. After reading a few books on dating and watching 3 seasons of Tough Love by Steve Ward it seems like finding love is possible. A little bit of humility and mental health and bada-boom bada-bing man and wife. I've been babystepping my way to the pool and the water is finally starting to look warm.

I've always thought when I was 28 I would be ready to get married. Well here it is. Lets see if I can find love.

Choices

we don't all make the right choices. I know that I don't. I think selfishly, I think of only this moment and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Last night I slept with one of my best friends. He has a girlfriend who is living in another country right now. This would be one of those bad choices I was talking about.

So morally this is a bad deal. I should know better. Everyone knows you don't sleep with someone who is in a relationship. Yet, it happens. Apparently it happens to me. And how many others? I wish I could say this is the first time for me. But it's not. Is that a character flaw? I feel like this should be talked about. What are the boundaries for single people? Is this why coupled people dislike single people so much. The truth is, their partners who are committing infidelity are the ones they should be doing the disliking to. Is it a weak relationship? Weak people? What is this part of life that causes so much heartache, strife?

The justifications I've been rolling around in my mouth like a jawbreaker : I'm single. It's not my relationship. And yet there is a moral highroad that I know I should be taking. But really is it my responsibility to protect the feelings of another woman for whom I don't know? It was just sex. I feel bad. Or maybe I feel bad about not feeling bad. Can sex just be a physical act? Is that how it works? I know I want a monogamous relationship. There are no doubts I can have one. Would I be absolutely devastated if my partner cheated on me? Yes. I don't think it would be the sex that would kill me, it would simply be the lie. So maybe that is why you don't sleep with someone in a relationship, I am part of a lie. Circle back, "part of" a lie, but am I lying? It really is just a bad deal to be apart of anything that will make anyone feel bad.

I just want it to be right. I want someone to fuck everyday. I want someone to kiss me every hour. I want all those things but I don't have them. And when the opportunity presents itself (along with an undisclosed amount of alcohol) and I'm tired of having to be strong for myself it feels good to be a little selfish.

Billy Crystal sex

Could it be just sex? Do I keep putting myself out there on eharmony after having sex with one of my best friends?

I feel like Billy Crystal after having sex with Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. Except he wasn't Meg Ryan he was also Billy Crystal. We are the same person.

I loved that during sex it was totally "him". But it was "him" "having sex". We all have our routines, our sexual rituals. The phrases we say, the noises we make, the level of control we warrant. Words like, "baby" and "you like that" being thrown around, the textbook sexual jargon, I felt like we've been more intimate eating pizza together, but it was still fun.

"You can't be just friends with the opposite sex."

This year is dedicated to finding you, my husband.