Navigating the Barmuda triangle

What happened to relationships being about friendships and spending time together? Doesn't anyone want to do that anymore? I finally met someone that I like spending time with and enjoy being around and unfortunately, like perusal, it's like pulling fucking teeth to get this person to ask ME to spend time with him or if it's anything outside of what he usually does (barmuda triangle with friends or catching up on TV), he somehow is just not up to it. What the fuck is up with that? The confusion comes from the fact that when we DO spend time together I feel like we are both having a good time. He says things like, "I'm so glad you came over. I'm so glad you called." So then why.....do I feel so absurd asking him to do something with me?

Because I already feel like he's not going to do it. He's not going to be comfortable doing it. And that is why I am trying to figure out why it's about locational comfort and not just about spending time with me anywhere. I don't think this is a situation where I'm being needy because I thoroughly enjoy my alone time, I'm not lonely. I just like his company and have recently started thinking of fun things we could do together. I know that people say things like, 'when you're with the right one, there's no effort, there's no "work"' but what if you like the person and they're just not in the same place as you - yet. I know, I know. Probably not the right person. I just don't want to hang this up. Do I have to stop seeing this person because he doesn't exert a certain effort to engage in "my" life - even though I have a great time when I am engaging in his life? Will he come around? I feel like I hang up my towel every time the slightest little hiccup occurs. Is this a hiccup or something worth exploring? Can we navigate our way out of this barmuda triangle?

there I am

It needs to be said that I met someone I feel has great potential for a relationship.

I have turned down 2 date proposals flat out because I want to give this a chance.

that's a big deal.

There are a lot of things in our lives that are different and some that are the same, but when I look at him a part of me melts and I feel at home. A relationship isn't something you chose, it is something you do, it is something that reveals itself. I kinda want to see what happens next.

I will save my next blog to explain to you how on the edge I am with fear of rejection and looking like an idiot. And I will end by quoting a photographer from America's Next Top Model, Franscesco Carrozzini, "when you want something you let go of fear" and there I am.

Perfect on Paper

It's been awhile since I've written. Some people would think it's only been a second, but my life moves in milli seconds so a lot has happened. I'll give you the flip photo book version.

Light bulb, no chemistry with the model. So frustrating that when you find someone who meets all your "requirements" and then there is no spark. None. He calls, he texts, he wants to take me out, he has a great job and doesn't do drugs. He has TERRIBLE grammer and is kinda boring. Sorry, just saying. After a week of build up and no spark I am inspired to make a few phone calls. There was someone that I had floating around in my mind for a month or so - an ex girlfriend who I went to college with 6 years ago preventing me from making a call, suddenly doesn't seem like such a big deal in the scheme of things. I actually like this guy and felt a spark so why am I wasting my time with mister perfect on paper? Time to shut the book.

I sent an S.O.S via text and had a date for Sunday.

winds of change

I don't know if it's the stars or just the winds of change but I am loving my singleness all of a sudden. I think perhaps I realized that there are still attractive single men out there who might actually like me (and who are not on eharmony). After I came to terms with the fact that my "model" eharmony date and I had no chemistry I was overcome with inspiration to reach out to 2 other men who I had in my sights. One of them, I know better than to contact - but I was feeling very fierce about my singleness and knowing I wasn't in it for a relationship I felt less inhibited. He was out of town. Thank goodness for that. The other was someone I had been considering since I met him at house party almost a month ago. I didn't pursue earlier because the last person he dated (though it was 8 months ago) was a friend of mine from college. Even though I hadn't seen her in 8 years and I didn't plan to in the future, I wasn't sure what that situation would be like. But my interest was peaked and I called him. He was also out of town. Both men texted back they would be back on Sunday and wanted to get together.

Why do I do this to myself? I continually go back and forth between, 'I want a relationship' a.k.a take it slow, go on dates, get to know them before kissing etc, and 'I just want to be single and play and do whatever happens'. Where's my patience. Why do I need whatever I want now in this instant?

I said, "I want to". And he was pleased. He didn't know me well enough to know that I can want something and will not do it if it's not good for me. What am I guarding. What part of me needs protecting?

Smoke and tempura

So this whole time I've been wondering why I've felt like an outsider from the inner most circle of my girls night experience. I thought it was because I was on the outs with one of the main ladies who used to be my bestie. Well, that's not it. It all came crashing into focus tonight as I left girls night, party of 3....plus 1. Me and 2 other girls night attendants were just saying good night after almost choking ourselves out with smoke from our tempura experiment when so-and-so's boyfriend runs upstairs and hands off a tiny package to the other girl in attendance to give to her boyfriend. And then I get it.

Not only have I been benched in girls night because of my lack of atonement with said ex-bestie, in the process, the ladies' bf's have come into the picture, created their own boys thing, which then makes it a "couple's" thing because the girls have their boy toys to talk about and the room just got smaller for a single girl like me - who has no boy toy and who has no chance of becoming closer acquaintances with the girls' bf's because I have no bf to buffer my singleness from. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Now, I know this is a lot of over thinking...but that's not just smoke and tempura that's just how it is. That is the gospel on being the LAST single girl in girls night. Out of the girl circle, only to realize the line to get back in is a lot longer than I thought.

Lesson learning : How not to do it

He informed me that he had figured out what side of the bed I slept on, naturally because it was closest to the night table and stereo (but I really only sleep on that side of the bed because it's farthest from the door which makes me feel safer). When I'm sleeping in my bed with a partner, I prefer to sleep on the left side. I tend to sleep facing the left and I like the comfort of someone being behind me rather than face to face where you get a bunch of scrunched up arms pushed against each other or I get to look at someones back all night. Either way, there we were deciding what side of the bed we were going to sleep on and we hadn't even kissed yet, let alone insinuated that kissing was going to be taking place.

At that point I had stopped being present I was just trying to figure out what was happening. I knew it was going to happen, which is why I opted for wine at a fun wine bar. But after his request to have wine at my house without much input towards my suggestion I thought, 'what the hell' and instructed that he must supply the firewood and I would have the wine. I had 20 minutes to clean my entire house.

45 minutes later he showed up with a box of firewood. Not the duraflame I requested, he insisted that the sound of a real fire was half the glory of having a fire. It was cute and thoughtful. I enjoyed his enthusiasm, but lets not confuse that with chemistry, it was a mere enjoyed observation. What did I think was going to happen? I'll tell you. He would come over, we would have comfortable conversation in front of the fire place while drinking wine. Then awkward would happen. Awkward curiosity about our chemistry which had yet to be established (existing) on our first 2 dates, leading to an awkward overnight stay. Did I practice ways to say good night to him and suggest it was time for him to go? Yes. Did I know that my curiosity would never allow such silly conversations to take place? Yes. Did I think this time was going to be different and that I would in fact not permit him to stay over on a third date? Yes. Did he stay over on a third date? Yes.

Did we have sex on the third date? No.

Dad - you may want to skip this next part in italics to prevent irreversible damage (you're welcome). My thought process whilst lying next to my "date". oy vey.

Okay, he's in his boxers but we're not going to do anything, just sleep. We've never kissed and I'm not sure we're going to. I can't figure him out, mixed messages. I glance over at him then look away, glance over then look away. Am I suppose to make the first move? Is it okay to have a sleep over on the third date? This is awkward. This is terrible. But I'm sure it's fine. Carrie Bradshaw did this once in an episode of Sex in the City. Kyla, that was a T.V. show. What is going on here. Really? You're going to let a model just sleep in your bed? He's only been out of a relationship for 6 months and it was a 3 year relationship - does he think this is what it's suppose to be like on a third date? Is this just normal to him because he's used to just sleeping in a bed with a woman next to him? I'm not and this is not right. WHOA....Okay, he just kissed me. Where did that come from? Well. Do I just have one good night kiss? Do we kiss more? Do we make out? Was he just trying to kiss me to satisfy my curiosity? Did he want to kiss me? Well, we're kissing so...is that all? What is he doing with his tongue, it's everywhere - where are his lips? Can't beat 'em, join 'em. This kissing is ridiculous. Maybe I should just tell him I don't want him to stay. Both of our arms are pinned under our sides, this is weird. But okay. Okay...so now we're doing more than kissing. Where did my clothes go? Are we going to do this? No. Maybe? People who start relationships sometimes start out like this, passionately. Do people start out like this, passionately? Can this lead to a relationship? Is it over after tonight if this doesn't work out? I'm on eharmony because I want a relationship, not this. Do we have anything to do this? No. Phew...easy out. "Let's not do this tonight," I said. Good job Kyla. You didn't have sex. Does he think I said that because of him or because I didn't want to have sex? Hmm. He stroked my back affectionately. That feels nice. It's been so long since I've had that kind of affection. I'll take it. Now we get to sleep next to each other. Not the comfortable next to each other, the - we've just crossed the boundary but aren't going to cross all the boundaries but here we are in bed naked next to each other....And here's Josie, my cat, jumping on the bed. now she's gonna puke up a hair ball. perfect. I shove her off the bed mid gag. I'll clean that up in the morning. I wake up and he's getting dressed. I'm already awake but turn to face him because I fear that he'll leave without saying goodbye otherwise. I don't think I could take that. I have to unlock the door so he can leave and he gives me a hug and says, "we'll talk soon."

In hindsight I can feel when my focus shifted from, lets just get to know each other, to, I really want a boyfriend, I don't want to start over again. It's not so much a conscious shift, it's just part of where I'm at right now. I have a need to connect to someone. I suppose I'm learning patience. I'm still learning that it's OKAY to say, "I'm really confused. I'm getting mixed messages. I like you but I don't want you to stay the night (without fear that he will think I'm rejecting him, a.k.a. assigning him feelings that I've been programmed to assume he'll think, which are all bullshit by the way).

Last night in front of the fire while we were drinking wine I had an 'ah-ha' moment. We were talking about relationships and I realized that sometimes you know in your heart how long each relationship is going to last. The reason why it doesn't stop at the beginning is because you know there is something there that you are going to learn from this person and when you have learned that lesson, you know in your heart that you can let go. Unfortunately for stubborn people, like myself and having this insight I sometimes push the stop button way too in advance because I'd rather not learn anything at that particular moment. I want a relationship without the growing part. So....maybe this eharmony thing is a nice way of easing myself into learning to let go. Learning to chose, learning my own voice, what it sounds like and what it can do.

I don't know if he will call me. Part of me wants to just make it better. But I'm not that invested yet, which magnifies the desire in me to want things to just be okay. And then magnifies my desire to learn that they already are. Because I'm okay. Learning can be painful, but it sure helps me remember how not to do it. Right?

Validation

I've been watching Sex in the City on blast for like 2 weeks now and after almost every episode I think..."That's EXACTLY how it is to be single." There are a few that really take the cake, like Season 1 episode 3, bay of married pigs and the episode I just finished watching, Season 5, episode 8, I love a charade. This one scene in particular spoke so much truth that I watched it twice before deciding to write it down for good measure. So please enjoy the show :

Carrie talking to a new boy she is interested in about her ex and relationships :

'There was the merging of the things, then the dividing of the things, then the things left behind that you don't want to give back because that seems mean, and you don't want to throw them away...because it's all you have left. And it gets harder as we get older...because we're not dating wildly inappropriate people anymore. You know, there's no "shew, glad that's over" And after every breakup I tell myself, I'm never doing this again. It's too, it's too hard. I mean how many of these things can one person survive??

Then the boy immediately makes an excuse to leave, rips his jacket out from under the both of them to get on his motorcycle and races away.

She thinks she's been "emotionally slutty" by sharing too much too soon.

He eventually returns and admits that after talking about all that, he just didn't know if he could handle all of that again, as he himself just got out of a relationship.

The biggest reason why this got to me, was because that is the meat of being single. That is the pre-next relationship, dating emotional sandwich that I have had once or twice as a happy hour snack. I've experienced all of that, drawn out for days, which I just watched happen in the last 20 minutes and so it needed to be documented.

And the capacity for emotion and loving and sadness and hope that I and we all possess as humans captured in a moment I felt while watching this and being grateful for the life I have now.

The human experience is nothing without validation. I felt that.