"Happiness is a hard fucking road"

Being in a relationship is hard. I used to spend a lot of time wondering who he was going to be and now I spend my time thinking...how is this going to work? I guess that is what happens when you find someone you are genuinely interested in. I find myself OVER thinking (shocker). It's all that damn Oprah and Dr. Phil. Don't do this, do this, if he does this he means this.

Lately we haven't been able to have sex because of complications with me starting my birth control. Coincidentally, it also turns me into a terrible ball of raging, uncontrollable hormones. He is so forgiving, understanding and has not pressured me into doing anything. So naturally, I am in insecure. He is being nice and I take that as disinterest. When I finally get something that I could only dream about, I turn it into something that is wrong.

My mind wanders into an abyss of what ifs. It is my security blanket for relationships. It allows me to hide myself and drift into a world that I have no control over. I find I use it a lot when thinking about our sexual relations. I also use it a lot with his friends, girls mostly, that he talks about a lot and with emotional attachment. It's very dark in this abyss. It also makes my eyebrows furrow together and my mind comes to a point. I have been using it for the past 2 weeks. I started to think, "what happened to me?" Before my relationship I had every confidence for what I wanted to do with my life, my time, my ideas. But when it's time to share those, I lay down like a carpet and say, "please walk all over me." Terrible.

I am learning to let go of my security blanket and be in the present moment with my partner. Don't want to watch TV, then I won't watch TV. Want to cook dinner, then I'll cook dinner. He tells me a story about one of his girlfriends, I'll ask questions about her and their friendship - maybe even before I assign an emotion to it. When it comes to the bedroom, I won't assign thoughts to him. I won't judge myself, I'll just love myself for who I am and what I like.

I just read the most appropriate quote, "Happiness is a hard fucking road."

It truly is. The key is to remember that only I am in control of my happiness, not my partner. Part of my happiness is letting him contribute and teaching him how. I love how easy it sounds and I'll meditate on it for awhile. We'll see how it turns out.