it's incredible all the false situations I create in my head while I'm alone. It suddenly occurred to me tonight that maybe my boyfriend likes me. Likes me like, likes me. Likes me the way I like him. When I think of him, I just get excited that he treats me so nice and he's so giving and I just see all the good bits. But it's still comical that I can be so insecure about what he thinks about me (which obviously are my own self inflicted insecurities). My boobs are too small (which I have NEVER thought about myself) I have too many sexual issues, we don't have enough sex (which is not true) what does that mean? He must feel awkward around me because I don't just jump on him when I see him. What if we don't have sex every time I see him? Is that bad? Is that not normal? Does that mean we're not attracted to each other. And then I STOP.
Whoa, whoa, whoa Kyla. You have great sex. He totally thinks your hot. He sends you endless text messages telling you how he can't stop thinking about you and lists all the things he like - no - loves about you. And not every relationship is the same. I mean...for f sake, the last relationship I have to draw from was over 5 years ago...I was 23. I'm 28. I am not going to have that relationship again. I forgot. It's really fun learning about him and learning about us. Whats nice about being 28, is I know what I need. I know I don't need my boyfriend to take care of me, I don't need my boyfriend to make everything better. I can let go of all the "what you're suppose to do" expectations and I get to just like my boyfriend because he's him. I am just happy knowing that he's here and we can spend time together and have fun together when we can and if we can't that doesn't change how I feel about him. <--- That is a new feeling for me.
Tonight I am really tired. I had one of the hardest days of work I've had since I can remember and I wanted to see him. But I knew I was too tired. He had plans and I wanted him to enjoy his evening. I really wanted to have him to cuddle up to at night and just get some loves and affection after such a hard day, I wanted to be selfish about it. When I was 23 - I would have demanded it. But at 28, I stayed at home and got some rest. Honestly, when he said, "I don't want you to think I don't want to see you" was all I needed. I already knew that, but hearing him say it was sweet. It's things like that, that have helped my insecure "crazy thoughts" evaporate. I mean, I'm human after all, and I've had my heart trampled a time or two, so I'm not perfect and I'm not going to never have these crazy insecurities ever again, but it's nice to know that those insecurities, rather than brick pavers, are more like cobwebs. It's time to dust off my ideas about relationships and just enjoy.
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