Break up - Break down

Numbness.

I was/am sure I made the right choice. I wanted it to work out but it didn't work for me. I knew when he told me he was going to Bingo that night. We had spent the night hashing things out. He mentioned, we need to not have so much drama all the time, we need to just be able to have fun sometimes and loosen up, it's too early in our relationship for this. I agreed. But then it was another succession of misunderstandings and head-butting situations until we turned out the lights. We even managed to find some of that in the dark. When I woke up, my heart had all but slipped away. I figured if I could just keep my heart in that room, in that relationship and just let time pass over us, it might slowly revive itself. He laid in the bed as I got up to leave for work. Before I slipped out, I told him I would be off at 7:30. His response was, "Okay, I'm going to Bingo tonight" and like a ---- over a candle, my flame was out. Where was the "us" in that? Where was the us? It was him living his life and putting me in it. Somewhere.

I walked down the stairs, turned the heater down because I knew he couldn't sleep with it so hot in there and left. Driving home and the whole morning, I just kept hearing, "rip the band aid, rip the band aid." I couldn't wait all day, I would have felt like I had betrayed him if I let him think all day it was going to work. I called him while I was sitting in my car before I went into work.

He called me at 3:00 in the morning. I have no idea what we talked about, but I know it was a whole conversation. I remember wanting so desperately to know what he was saying and to remember it but knowing that I was so asleep it wasn't going to happen.

Second day, second guessing.

Maybe if I just told him, I don't know what to do. Maybe if I told him, hey you know, I don't feel like we have anything in common outside of liking each other, we could have built something on that? I want to call him. But what would we say anyway - hi, I'm playing video games or watching a movie or I'm at space room and me saying, okay, I'm going to stay at home and sit on my bed or clean, or just be at home?

This hurts. It really does. I know it was right but this hurts.

I want to say something to him but I feel like it won't change anything, it will just stir the pot. It will just mess it up. But I also feel like if I don't say something maybe I'll regret missing the opportunity.