Work tomorrow

We talked twice tonight. The first conversation was for 2 minutes. We hadn't spoken all day before that. I had just got off work and he was still playing World of War craft. I think we mentioned that and our brief plans for the evening before we said goodbye and me asking him for the courtesy check in mid evening call, which arrived a few hours later. He called me during his smoke break before he was about to start a movie. I could tell because he mentioned it at the end of our conversation, that he had scheduled it in since I asked him to, and also the obvious inhalation during his "conversation".

It's not looking good.

Too much too soon? Probably. When it comes down to it, we are very different people. And I know that he could and would do everything I ever asked to make me happy. The problem with that is that a lot of it wouldn't include the things that he likes to do. I think we both know that.

It's been nice having someone to think about, someone to adore and learn new things about. Everyone finds him hilarious and extremely likable, I am still getting there. He doesn't like to do much outside of go to the bar and play video games, and who am I to judge? As long as I don't have to do it. Those things make him happy. And I'm starting to realize that as much as I'd love to try and be apart of that, that is exactly what would happen, I would only be trying.

It's hard having the break up conversation with myself before talking to him about it. I'm sure everyone does it. I need to be somewhat emotionally secure before I drag someone down this path, right? It's also just the end of a really long fucking holiday - that's still going, I might add. I am about to be jobless and I haven't done anything to prevent it, except hold on to blind optimism. I'm broke, $8.44 in the bank broke for 4 days. He's broke and bored cause he can't afford to socialize via space room. We've both spent WAY too much time together and with our families no less and well, I've ran out of excuses.

I'm sitting in my bed with my cat. I'm sad and scared of being, that thing again....single....alone. Although I suppose I always have been. No, not always. I'll miss his "Yes, dear." I'll miss getting kisses on the side of my neck. I really liked "fitting" inside of his embrace. I'm scared of not having a job and trying to find one. I'm scared of what my life is suppose to be like and is not. I'm just about through with 2010. What a way to close a chapter, ey? I'm not sure how it's going to go down. I feel like I have it in me to give it one more chance, maybe mix it up, try something, anything to not give up hope. Until then, I've got work tomorrow.