The One

The very notion of calling this blog 'The One' is enough to send my head reeling. I haven't been able to write because of over thinking my own fucking thoughts. That is how I approach this "idea" of dating. It's so unnecessarily overwhelming that I'd rather stick my head in the sand. However, here I am.

I can't write about 'The One' because there is no ONE. This should be called the 'who am I' blog or the 'how do I get through this next year alone' blog.

So, I had a breakdown today at Laughing Planet. Appropriate I thought. My friend Sarah was discussing her relationship and true to form I was actively listening and being supportive. Until i realized, I cannot be supportive today. I don't want to be supportive. I could not be supportive of ANYONE ELSE'S RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I NEEDED SOME FUCKING ATTENTION. Just because I didn't have someone to talk about didn't mean I didn't need some "what about me time". It was the strangest feeling really, we had just connected over her feelings about acceptance when I had this terrible sinking in my gut and my mind yelled "You need to leave now or my head is going to explode." Tears welled in my eye ducts and my throat filled with sand. I tried to change the subject but the only words that escaped were, "I'm going to have a breakdown right here." Followed by, "I feel like I should just drive home, right now." At laughing planet, mid chip and salsa. Sarah, being the most sympathetic friend told me she didn't want me to leave and let me pour my heart out all over my mild verde and my medium salsa.

"I want to be selfish, I want someone to think about me. I want someone to wonder how I'm doing and if my needs are being met. I can't think about anyone else's someone, who is already spending all their time thinking about the other person." Sarah calmly asked, "Okay, what do you need me to give you?" "Just let me be selfish I guess. Let me talk about myself and just be crazy with someone else for a second" I shrugged. The tears just wouldn't let up. My voice barely cracked, it was my heart taking over saying, 'here I am and I won't let you silence me any longer' while my mind pushed every button in it's control booth saying, 'you don't need anyone's help to feel okay about you, you are just fine taking care of yourself.' Like any good meltdown, I just chalked it up to hormones.

After a few moments of blind egocentricity, I had came back down to earth and still sitting in the booth at laughing planet. God bless Sarah and her stoicism. We laughed and ventured back to her house to make earrings as planned for this Sunday afternoon.

I talked about my breakdown with my step sister and her boyfriend (of 7 months) as we had dinner at my house. Family is great that way, in that, nothing you say can be taken personally, we're related and "real people's" emotions and experience are completely outside the realm of family emotions and experiences. They let me share my thoughts and shared theirs as a couple. Ultimately what I discovered was that, the truth is, being single is fine. I enjoy it.

It's the isolation from my friends that sucks the most. It's the having to relinquish the sisterhood gossip, the not being able to "relate" to my friend's experiences, even sometimes my family's because I don't have a partner. It's THAT isolation that makes being single the hardest. It's so important for me to relate and this is something I can't because I am not .....

there.

I've been asking my friends lately what their favorite thing was/is about being single. These are the things I need to remind myself while I'm living it, and in so doing, I have discovered an outlet, an area on which to relate and converse and also the source of my singleness struggle. So when I call this blog, when I write towards finding "The One" it seems so empty, because I am so fulfilled as me, I am The One. My search, my experiences this year are truly about finding me and being okay with being "The One" in my world filled with Twos.