Choices

we don't all make the right choices. I know that I don't. I think selfishly, I think of only this moment and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Last night I slept with one of my best friends. He has a girlfriend who is living in another country right now. This would be one of those bad choices I was talking about.

So morally this is a bad deal. I should know better. Everyone knows you don't sleep with someone who is in a relationship. Yet, it happens. Apparently it happens to me. And how many others? I wish I could say this is the first time for me. But it's not. Is that a character flaw? I feel like this should be talked about. What are the boundaries for single people? Is this why coupled people dislike single people so much. The truth is, their partners who are committing infidelity are the ones they should be doing the disliking to. Is it a weak relationship? Weak people? What is this part of life that causes so much heartache, strife?

The justifications I've been rolling around in my mouth like a jawbreaker : I'm single. It's not my relationship. And yet there is a moral highroad that I know I should be taking. But really is it my responsibility to protect the feelings of another woman for whom I don't know? It was just sex. I feel bad. Or maybe I feel bad about not feeling bad. Can sex just be a physical act? Is that how it works? I know I want a monogamous relationship. There are no doubts I can have one. Would I be absolutely devastated if my partner cheated on me? Yes. I don't think it would be the sex that would kill me, it would simply be the lie. So maybe that is why you don't sleep with someone in a relationship, I am part of a lie. Circle back, "part of" a lie, but am I lying? It really is just a bad deal to be apart of anything that will make anyone feel bad.

I just want it to be right. I want someone to fuck everyday. I want someone to kiss me every hour. I want all those things but I don't have them. And when the opportunity presents itself (along with an undisclosed amount of alcohol) and I'm tired of having to be strong for myself it feels good to be a little selfish.