Projecting

I watched 'The Burbs' last night. It used to be our favorite movie, 9 years ago when I was in my most secure and loving relationship. I thought he was going to the be "the one" and sometimes I let myself slip back there into the past. I wonder what he's doing and what would have happened if I didn't cut it off at the quick in a moment of utter panic. After 2 year together, he didn't want to marry me yet and so I thought that meant never. Oh, ignorant youth.

I remember how great if felt to have an "our" favorite anything. It was comfortable. It was calming. We loved watching that silly movie, snuggled in bed. Immediately my mind wanders to the excitement I felt after we had been seeing each other for 4 months and that thrilling discovery that it had been such a long time together, and yet feeling like no time at all. Nothing he did effected me, he was simply himself and I loved everything about him. When I'm laying in my bed alone having these thoughts, I try to project that feeling outward. I imagine I am sharing that love with someone right now, my "boyfriend" who exists in my parallel universe. You know, the one that doesn't really exist yet.

I have, in this long journey of singleness, since become appreciative of my time and space. I enjoy my "alone" time. I rarely get lonely, I just call my sister who makes me laugh about anything and everything (you've got to have that in your life). I have just started reading a great book called, How to be an Adult in Relationship. It was handed over with a slew of other relationship books from my "little mom" (step mom). It's been on the shelf for about 8 months but the cover is soft tones of gold and aubergine, nothing loud or intimidating, so I managed to pull it out and skim through it which turned into starting at the beginning. Lessons for the day, 'We are fulfilled when we live out our personal capacity for loving.'

When I think of everything that I had with him, I am remembering my life within that full capacity. A deep security, no faults, love you past your problems kind of full capacity. BUT, and I'm not a big fan of that word....I have to now realize that rather than projecting all of those feelings on a faceless placebo illusion of a relationship, I can just give it all to myself because that is real and that is the relationship I am in.

As Oscar Wilde wrote, "To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance."

Here. here.