Change is...

A theme is emerging....."You didn't give me a chance."

So I move a little fast. My advice on my horoscope birthday page says, even a rabbit can twist an ankle. I think about that and well, here it is popping up in my day to day. Today is my first nephew's 9th birthday. I let my sister reminisce about his first year over the phone. I was with Mr. G back then. He was refered to as Uncle "G" and he was great. He was there for the first ultra sound when we found out Tyson was going to be a boy and there at the first birthday party. Katie said, "so much has changed since then" and all I could think about was "ya, that was when I had a solid relationship - 9 years ago." Katie, my older sister was married and having a baby, I was in college with Mr. G and Kara was fresh out of a relationship, she was single. I was in love with my boyfriend. I wanted to be his wife.

I don't know if you would call it superstition, but Kara and I had this running joke that if one of us was in a relationship, the other person had to be single....it had been like that for a the last few relationships. Well surely enough as soon as I was out of my relationship she was in one, when hers fizzled, I found a new man, when we broke up, Kara got married, I knew I was screwed. I've been single ever since. Does this have anything to do with me not giving men a chance? Probably not.

Looking back at how much life has changed since my nephew was born is very eye opening. I want more than anything to be back in that time, where I have a partner, someone to go to family events with and build memories to look back on in time. If that's ever going to happen I'm going to have to start giving these men a chance. If I'm good at anything it's taking constructive criticism. So lets see....instead of focusing on just what I enjoy about a boy and creating a secret tally of things that "will just never work" until I reach the point of irreconcilable differences (in my mind), perhaps I could say, "hey you know, I'm bored right now, what can we do that's fun?" or "I'm uncomfortable" or "What do you want out of this relationship?" or "I would really like it if you called instead of texted" or "I want you to come to my house instead of me having to drive because you don't have a car". As easy as these things seem to say, my mind just adds them to my tally of "impossible relationship" traits.

Self analysis is so much more sticky than writing about an experience and letting it stand for what it is, but for the sake of finishing up these thoughts, I will say, I suppose I don't say what's in my "impossible tally" because I don't believe that even if I do say those things that person will change them or care to. I don't believe they should have to change. I just chalk it up to 'not being the right one'. Of course I give them, oh about a week, for me to ultimately decide if someone is not the right person....too soon?

I also think that all of this mumbling about how to have a relationship is just something I do to soothe myself until the right one does come along. And then all of this thought will vanish because I'll know him completely when we meet and he will know me. When you know you know. Right? Until then, I will practice saying my tally thoughts out loud. Who knows if they will change or they won't, I guess I'll never know unless I try. Change is good.