Boyfriend

I couldn't stop talking about him the entire time. I referred to him as my boyfriend multiple times, including the time an ex texted me to see if we could meet up. The only person I hadn't told, was him. What was I waiting for? He had asked me to be his girlfriend, which I politely avoided answering and then had also asked for a status update which I also politely avoided. So what gives? Why couldn't I articulate these thoughts to him? It just isn't safe. Being a boyfriend is an action, more than a verb - and he is to me, as far as being nurturing and allowing me to feel safe when sharing my feelings and asking what he can do and thanking me for being open. But - and- so that is good. That is why I refer to him as my boyfriend (to other people). But to say it to his face means : I'm trusting you to be my partner and enjoy things with me....BUT WHAT HAPPENS....when you don't enjoy the same things? Like .......... being social. I love parties. I love to float around and talk to everyone and mix it up, I love to be the center of attention, can he handle that? How will he handle that? My biggest fear is that he would probably sit on the front porch and smoke. Or, I like to talk a lot and he's not the most chatty guy. But he is such a great listener. And I feel safe around him and I feel connected to him in a way that I haven't felt with anyone in such a long time.

I walked into his house after a 4 hour drive home and presented him with the snacks I had brought over to share. I had practiced so many times how I was going to tell him that he was my boyfriend, but they all seemed too soon or too far away. Slip it in a text message? Ask him as a Christmas present. All too contrived. I just walked right into his place and (without looking at him) I said, "ya, I brought these goodies over for my boyfriend." I think I may have stuttered when the words actually came out of my mouth. I think he was just as surprised as I was that I had said it because then he asked, "Does this mean I have a girlfriend?" And I guess I still don't know what that means but it's what I want. I want a committed relationship that I can grow in with him. I want us to be an us and learn about each other and spend time together, a lot of time. The 4 days I was away felt incredibly weird without him.