He informed me that he had figured out what side of the bed I slept on, naturally because it was closest to the night table and stereo (but I really only sleep on that side of the bed because it's farthest from the door which makes me feel safer). When I'm sleeping in my bed with a partner, I prefer to sleep on the left side. I tend to sleep facing the left and I like the comfort of someone being behind me rather than face to face where you get a bunch of scrunched up arms pushed against each other or I get to look at someones back all night. Either way, there we were deciding what side of the bed we were going to sleep on and we hadn't even kissed yet, let alone insinuated that kissing was going to be taking place.
At that point I had stopped being present I was just trying to figure out what was happening. I knew it was going to happen, which is why I opted for wine at a fun wine bar. But after his request to have wine at my house without much input towards my suggestion I thought, 'what the hell' and instructed that he must supply the firewood and I would have the wine. I had 20 minutes to clean my entire house.
45 minutes later he showed up with a box of firewood. Not the duraflame I requested, he insisted that the sound of a real fire was half the glory of having a fire. It was cute and thoughtful. I enjoyed his enthusiasm, but lets not confuse that with chemistry, it was a mere enjoyed observation. What did I think was going to happen? I'll tell you. He would come over, we would have comfortable conversation in front of the fire place while drinking wine. Then awkward would happen. Awkward curiosity about our chemistry which had yet to be established (existing) on our first 2 dates, leading to an awkward overnight stay. Did I practice ways to say good night to him and suggest it was time for him to go? Yes. Did I know that my curiosity would never allow such silly conversations to take place? Yes. Did I think this time was going to be different and that I would in fact not permit him to stay over on a third date? Yes. Did he stay over on a third date? Yes.
Did we have sex on the third date? No.
Dad - you may want to skip this next part in italics to prevent irreversible damage (you're welcome). My thought process whilst lying next to my "date". oy vey.
Okay, he's in his boxers but we're not going to do anything, just sleep. We've never kissed and I'm not sure we're going to. I can't figure him out, mixed messages. I glance over at him then look away, glance over then look away. Am I suppose to make the first move? Is it okay to have a sleep over on the third date? This is awkward. This is terrible. But I'm sure it's fine. Carrie Bradshaw did this once in an episode of Sex in the City. Kyla, that was a T.V. show. What is going on here. Really? You're going to let a model just sleep in your bed? He's only been out of a relationship for 6 months and it was a 3 year relationship - does he think this is what it's suppose to be like on a third date? Is this just normal to him because he's used to just sleeping in a bed with a woman next to him? I'm not and this is not right. WHOA....Okay, he just kissed me. Where did that come from? Well. Do I just have one good night kiss? Do we kiss more? Do we make out? Was he just trying to kiss me to satisfy my curiosity? Did he want to kiss me? Well, we're kissing so...is that all? What is he doing with his tongue, it's everywhere - where are his lips? Can't beat 'em, join 'em. This kissing is ridiculous. Maybe I should just tell him I don't want him to stay. Both of our arms are pinned under our sides, this is weird. But okay. Okay...so now we're doing more than kissing. Where did my clothes go? Are we going to do this? No. Maybe? People who start relationships sometimes start out like this, passionately. Do people start out like this, passionately? Can this lead to a relationship? Is it over after tonight if this doesn't work out? I'm on eharmony because I want a relationship, not this. Do we have anything to do this? No. Phew...easy out. "Let's not do this tonight," I said. Good job Kyla. You didn't have sex. Does he think I said that because of him or because I didn't want to have sex? Hmm. He stroked my back affectionately. That feels nice. It's been so long since I've had that kind of affection. I'll take it. Now we get to sleep next to each other. Not the comfortable next to each other, the - we've just crossed the boundary but aren't going to cross all the boundaries but here we are in bed naked next to each other....And here's Josie, my cat, jumping on the bed. now she's gonna puke up a hair ball. perfect. I shove her off the bed mid gag. I'll clean that up in the morning. I wake up and he's getting dressed. I'm already awake but turn to face him because I fear that he'll leave without saying goodbye otherwise. I don't think I could take that. I have to unlock the door so he can leave and he gives me a hug and says, "we'll talk soon."
In hindsight I can feel when my focus shifted from, lets just get to know each other, to, I really want a boyfriend, I don't want to start over again. It's not so much a conscious shift, it's just part of where I'm at right now. I have a need to connect to someone. I suppose I'm learning patience. I'm still learning that it's OKAY to say, "I'm really confused. I'm getting mixed messages. I like you but I don't want you to stay the night (without fear that he will think I'm rejecting him, a.k.a. assigning him feelings that I've been programmed to assume he'll think, which are all bullshit by the way).
Last night in front of the fire while we were drinking wine I had an 'ah-ha' moment. We were talking about relationships and I realized that sometimes you know in your heart how long each relationship is going to last. The reason why it doesn't stop at the beginning is because you know there is something there that you are going to learn from this person and when you have learned that lesson, you know in your heart that you can let go. Unfortunately for stubborn people, like myself and having this insight I sometimes push the stop button way too in advance because I'd rather not learn anything at that particular moment. I want a relationship without the growing part. So....maybe this eharmony thing is a nice way of easing myself into learning to let go. Learning to chose, learning my own voice, what it sounds like and what it can do.
I don't know if he will call me. Part of me wants to just make it better. But I'm not that invested yet, which magnifies the desire in me to want things to just be okay. And then magnifies my desire to learn that they already are. Because I'm okay. Learning can be painful, but it sure helps me remember how not to do it. Right?
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