Rubic's cube

He's back.

I was so glad to see him. When I think about it, I over do it. I get nervous, I get defensive, I lose that lovable 'joie de vivre' I carry in my back pocket. It all comes out rehearsed. But I can't help it. I don't want to ruin a friendship. If we go down that road and hate each other in the end - I don't know if I could handle that. And maybe that is what is preventing me from opening up all along....the handling of rejection. I wear a giant armor around me when my feelings start to race to the surface and I try with all my might to cauterize those feelings before I am exposed. I kept thinking, he's so attractive and I like him. But as soon as I realized, I was putting that out there....I pulled back because, that's not the snarky abrasive fun Kyla. That's the sensitive Kyla. The one who has the tolerance of a premie baby. I feel like a shift in balance happens and he'll see that I would like someone who wants to share the weight of life with me. The weight I carry, but only seem to notice when I'm around someone who I think has their shit together.

Maybe that's just what I do with my sisters. We share the weight. And that is normal intimacy for me. I know it's overwhelming, but I know I can handle it and I will, if it will lighten the load for my sister, or my mother, or my father. But I can't ask for someone to do it for me...so I wall up and shut down and maybe, just maybe I get a little ahead of myself. Okay, so I really do get ahead of myself.

Which is why I decided tonight, we would just share our adventures from the previous months. We wouldn't dive into anything head first. The next 2 nights are already scheduled together with friends/family. We'll have lots of time to check in.

When he left we embraced and I wanted us to be natural. I wanted that moment where we both knew. But we both don't. I don't. So - we'll wait. Let life unveil itself.

**I wait for someone to validate my insecurities - but I need to change my brain - I am wonderful and strong. I'm not a mess. I'm not a wreck. I'm not broken. I'm strong and great and doing the best I can. That is who I am.