Back to black

I created a grey space. The only grey space I like to have in my life is the clouds over my head in Portland, Oregon. Certainly not anywhere near my personal life. But this time I thought, what the heck, people do it. I had a partner in crime sitting with me and a half bottle of wine down the pipe when I made the call. He asked if it was a booty call and I wondered why it even needed to be clarified. I think he was just trying to make me squirm. It worked. I dodged every question except for when he should come over. An hour and a half later....

I was clear with my decision when I ended our relationship. Clear with my decision to still be friends...not so clear when his text messages were lined with unresolved emotions. Then quickly muddied by a booty call. Hello grey area!

I was actually enjoying a bit of the sloppiness of it all. Perhaps because it wasn't my mind in the grey, simply my actions. Those could simply be remedied by ending them, and hopefully on a friendly note. Was I kidding myself? It could be one of my favorite things to do based on my track record. And, I suppose it didn't help that the promise of a return of someone special was on the horizon. I was clear with my intent on that, maybe just to myself, but I knew. My ex was clear on my intent with that, though his clarity came from this blog, and not my lips. So I floundered a little, splashing the grey around when (not) answering his retorts about being a place holder until "he" came around. Eventually grey turns back into black or white when more information is entered....it was only a matter of time.

A day later, a bucket of clarity was poured into the mix. "He" came back. A month early mind you, but there he was, on my voice mail and on his way over. I thought I would have more time to friendly unwind the entanglings my ex and I were in. So much for timing. I will say, he was right. But of course, in any situation where you "should" answer honestly, you don't for courtesy sake. It's right up there with, you "shouldn't" break up over the phone, or you "shouldn't" tell someone if they have food in their teeth - but I DO THOSE THINGS... If I was doing what I "should" have been doing from the beginning, it wouldn't start with me drinking that second glass, or picking up the phone. So I meekly followed proto-call, and denied his inquisitions, out of courtesy.

It's been a few days and a blog post since my ex and I had any contact. By now, I know, I know he knows, just as he predicted. I thought of calling. I thought of texting. I thought of what I would say, with nothing in mind I knew every word would be catalogued as ridiculous. And every word would be. "It's time to fold em...I had a great time. Of course, I like you and have no hard feelings. It was what it was and I hope we can just be cool." How does that sound to someone who has said the words, "I love you" to you. Probably not good. Nothing will sound good. Would it be best to just say nothing at all? Can life just keep going? Is it better to have a moment? That is the grey area. The area where feelings go to marinate in aloneness and solidarity. Nothing can be done about them. They just exist. And for who knows why or for how long. And it is what it is. I just want him to know I wish him well and am grateful for sharing the time we did. Damnit...I've got a phone call to make.