Day 9

Day 9 : McDonald's for dinner then invited over 2 friends (who didn't know each other) who showed up and we all hung out and had a great time. Grateful for unexpected/planned evenings.

Rubic's cube

He's back.

I was so glad to see him. When I think about it, I over do it. I get nervous, I get defensive, I lose that lovable 'joie de vivre' I carry in my back pocket. It all comes out rehearsed. But I can't help it. I don't want to ruin a friendship. If we go down that road and hate each other in the end - I don't know if I could handle that. And maybe that is what is preventing me from opening up all along....the handling of rejection. I wear a giant armor around me when my feelings start to race to the surface and I try with all my might to cauterize those feelings before I am exposed. I kept thinking, he's so attractive and I like him. But as soon as I realized, I was putting that out there....I pulled back because, that's not the snarky abrasive fun Kyla. That's the sensitive Kyla. The one who has the tolerance of a premie baby. I feel like a shift in balance happens and he'll see that I would like someone who wants to share the weight of life with me. The weight I carry, but only seem to notice when I'm around someone who I think has their shit together.

Maybe that's just what I do with my sisters. We share the weight. And that is normal intimacy for me. I know it's overwhelming, but I know I can handle it and I will, if it will lighten the load for my sister, or my mother, or my father. But I can't ask for someone to do it for me...so I wall up and shut down and maybe, just maybe I get a little ahead of myself. Okay, so I really do get ahead of myself.

Which is why I decided tonight, we would just share our adventures from the previous months. We wouldn't dive into anything head first. The next 2 nights are already scheduled together with friends/family. We'll have lots of time to check in.

When he left we embraced and I wanted us to be natural. I wanted that moment where we both knew. But we both don't. I don't. So - we'll wait. Let life unveil itself.

**I wait for someone to validate my insecurities - but I need to change my brain - I am wonderful and strong. I'm not a mess. I'm not a wreck. I'm not broken. I'm strong and great and doing the best I can. That is who I am.

Day 7 & 8

Day 7 : Grateful to not be wondering - after 5 years - if he's ever going to ask me to marry him.

Day 8 : Grateful to not be worrying about anyone but myself. (Right now with work - that's plenty!)

Day 6

Day 6 : Grateful to eat whatever I want for dinner (in bed of course) - homemade enchiladas with a side of celery (oh yes) and maybe a bit of molten chocolate cake and a beer for dessert.

Day 5

Day 5 : didn't fully have an ah-ha moment. Could have something to do with the fact I was shacked up all day with my ex....so I'll say, grateful to have my own home to come back to...to process what just happened....

30 days celebrating singleness

Life is all about perspective. Lately, I've had a few people (married people) remind me how exciting it is to be single. They love to read my blog to live vicariously through me. It excites them how unpredictable and unexpected (and how quickly) things happen. Also, my friend's boyfriend just left town for the weekend and the house was all his, and I remembered that fresh feeling of doing whatever you want. And so, to not take for granted such an opportune time in my life, getting the chance to "be free" no compromises, no checking in, no explanations to give or having to share....I've decided to take the next 30 days to celebrate my singleness and mostly to just remember how grateful I am for these moments....it won't always be like this.

Day 1 : Grateful for fire in the fireplace, and turning the music as loud as I want to have a dance party with my cat.

Day 2 : Grateful to come home late from a friends house and sit on the balcony, marveling at the view of the city

Day 3 : Grateful that after eating the fantastic dinner my friend made (with Broccoli) I could fart all night without having anyone to judge me (until I post this, of course)

Day 4 : Grateful I didn't have to ask if I had enough money to take my cat to the vet.

Tomorrow will be day 5 and already I'm getting a little bit more zest out everyday. I like this.

fortuitous day

I had the strangest epiphany today. I felt like he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I have to mention that I've had similar experiences before (with, clearly, the wrong men) but not to the extent of certainty. I suppose previously they have been extremely fleeting moments of infatuation and role playing....He's going to be my "husband"...or...that is the man I'm going to "marry". My experience today was different. It was a certainty that I wanted all my adventures to be with this one person. The ups and downs and ins and outs, he's the one I want to do them with. The one thing this person has going for him that the others didn't was time. I've spent a lot of time with this person. Most of it - as friends.

I kept wondering when the feeling was going to wear off. And part of me still thinks it will. I mean, this person can and sometimes does annoy the shit out of me. But I still would want him to spend this life with me, exploring it.

Here is where my logical brain interrupts.

1. He's not here right now - maybe I'm sensationalizing him and/or our experience together.

2. We're not actually in a relationship - or ever have been for that matter.

2. What if you do all those crazy relationship things you do and ruin it?

3. What crazy relationship things?

a. clingy

b. emotionally insecure

c. jealous

But then I think - whatever, it's HIM. We'd probably laugh about it - later anyway. And I've spent so much time with him, hating him as much as adoring him, that we already know our "less attractive" sides.

Second "but" - who knows if when he gets back we'll be the same people, want the same things? I don't. Which is why I just allowed myself to enjoy that feeling while I had it. The person I know in my heart is great. I wonder if I'll ever know with 100% certainty who will be "the one". Does anyone ever really do?