Today

Happy to be single and happy to be me.

Blinding

Seems like I've been held, in some dreaming state

a tourist in the waking world, never quite awake

a kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber

until I realize it was you who held me under

felt it in my fists, in my feet, in the hollow of my eyelids

shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could see the thunder and hear the lightening crack

All around the world was waking, I never could go back

Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open

And finally it seemed like the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

Silence slipping through the hidden door

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

No more dreaming of the dead as if death was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

Silence slipping through the hidden door

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

Silence slipping through the hidden door.

- Florence and the Machine

F. U.

B++

The fucker told me, how did he say it...I just spent the last hour trying to erase it from my memory..."there were all these super hotties and then there was us normal/average looking people." Record scratch. Wha?

Why did I not get up and leave?

Sure, I reacted. I looked away. I showed disappointment. I commented. He tried to save himself with, "I would give you a B++ body. And I'm a C- -"

That was his "save". That was with my "you need to say something really really nice because you hurt my feelings with the B++ comment."

AND I STAYED.

I finished my drink. I finished my sandwich. I finished my conversation. I let him walk me back to my car and when he went to kiss me, I kissed him with everything I had hoping that this black lung illness I was carrying would transfer over making him bedridden for days! That fucker.

AH! I'm still pissed I stayed. In another universe, GALAXY - I get up and leave IMMEDIATELY. No explanation. nothing. Just get up and walk out. B++

Fucker.

Day 15 and 16

Day 15 : Grateful to be sick and not have anyone to be annoyed with my sickness - besides me, geez will this cough ever go away?

Day 16 : Grateful for a WHOLE DAY to myself, stayed in bed, went and got my hair did, didn't have to ask anyone (but my sisters and mom) what they thought, came home, back to bed. Ate a crap load of garlic and didn't worry about my breath. The skies the limit when you're single, I'm telling ya :)

Just saying

I had love once. A mutual love that was shared. I had it in my life. I was loved and adored and nurtured. And I am grateful for knowing what that feels like.

I have decided it's time to stop all of this crazy bullshit. It's time to stop looking for "lover boys" and stop selling myself short. Stop searching. Stop acting out of boredom.

I'm actually really happy right now. Maybe it's because I hit rock bottom...maybe it's the practice of being grateful. Either way I'm okay just being me, cause I'm pretty amazing. Just saying.

Day 13 and 14

Day 13 : Grateful to chose whether or not I will think about any stupid boy, and to not have to get home and not know where my car is or when my boyfriend is going to be returning it so I can use it.

Day 14 : Grateful to take the longest bath ever (refilling the tub twice) and not having to explain myself to anyone.

That God Damn Rock

While making earrings, I asked, "am I just totally retarded when it comes to dating?" (Believe me, I ask myself these questions constantly - you're not the only one's scratching your head).

I feel like I'm spinning out of control. And I guess the key component that is fucking me up is, well, sex. It's time to take a dose of abstinence. It seems easy enough, something that just comes naturally for most, at least on the first date maybe up into the third, but for me...I move fast. Which is probably why things end fast.

Here's a little update on my dating life since Sunday (it's Tuesday by the way)

I was officially an utter asshole to my ex boyfriend (I'm sorry - I'm an asshole). I posted a great assholish blog about grey area, pretty much just narrowing in on the then current situation with a "certain love interest" returning and completely overlooking any future repercussions or potential outcomes. Good job Kyla.

I canceled (rain checked) a "casual" get together with a boy that I haven't seen since 6th grade who found me on facebook and wanted to catch up on Monday over beers.

I had a whirlwind of sex with a "certain love interest". Ending, again, before it began. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. Don't get drunk and have sex with people. And, don't confuse your male best friend who you've known for 2+ years and shared numerous life experiences with, who has been there for you through thick and thin, ups and down, for anything less than a man when it comes to having sex and trying to have a relationship with him.

I've got another future engagement penciled on my calendar to meet with another gentlemen who I met at the BSC Ducks game, when his out of town guests clear out in about at week. Don't get drunk and have sex, don't get drunk and have sex.

I'm sick. I am jobless. I have 2 leads. I've made 5 new pairs of earrings. I am about ready to give up on men and dating ALL TOGETHER but with encouragement will try it sans sex. I think it's time. It's not in my character to give up on life but this little juggling act that I've got going, sometimes seems to never end. I'm so tired of this shit. I thought I had a chance for "happiness" a real connection, a friend and lover and it all backfired and now I feel like all efforts are in vain and every path leads to an empty spring. Perhaps I was Sisyphus in a past life - or maybe eternally.